I am currently sitting on my bed, surrounded by Enneagram books.

I’m especially drawn to this one, which feels like it might hold universal secrets. It has to hold something, because it’s 15 lbs.

The Enneagram absolutely fascinates me. I am a sensitive soul – and when people are mean, or loud or sneaky or bossy, my instinct is to crawl into a ball while they kick me.

But the Enneagram – I’m convinced it’s some medieval magic that helps me understand why people are the way they are.

The mistake, of course, is typing people – this book will tell you that’s a rookie error …

And yet, just being aware that we’re all wired a little differently is helpful.

I’d like to note upfront that I am not an Enneagram expert. But I’m fascinated by it.

I drag this around in the car like a security blanket, anxious to check in when there’s a line at the bank, or a long wait at the orthodontist.

But I have to say what has been helping me wrap my head around the Enneagram most is looking at it though the lens of some of my favorite shows – The Office and Parks and Recreation.

TV characters are naturally exaggerated, of course. But that helps when you are looking for clues that are so much harder to detect in actual people.

And …

So I give you:

The Enneagram for Beginners Who Also Like Pop Culture

 

Enneagram 1 – The Reformer

How I picture Ones in my head:

Ben Wyatt

Ones sense right and wrong, are ethical and want the world to be a little more orderly than it actually is.

Take our friend Ben, who wants simple courtesy like being notified that his roommates are throwing a giant Halloween party ahead of time. (With “blooood orphaaans.”)

It’s not a coincidence that what Ben gets on Treat Yo’ Self Day is a full Batman costume, because 1s like justice.

When Ben gets stressed, he can get a little perfectionistic and rigid.

But he’s so cute, we forgive him, right?

I also believe Angela from The Office is probably a 1. But a really unhealthy 1, whereas Ben starts out judgy and unyielding and then finds his center (only to lose it temporarily to claymation, calzones and Cones of Dunshire).

Enneagram 2 – The Helper

How I picture Twos in my head:

Pamela Beesly-Halpert

Pam puts out candy every day and just wants everyone to be happy. That includes her fiancé Roy, who takes advantage of her and does not appreciate her at all. (Remember the video iPod/sweater Christmas?)

Pam eventually realizes she is meant to be with Jim, but it takes so much for her to advocate for herself – she doesn’t want anyone to be mad or inconvenienced by her wants or needs.

She literally needs to walk across hot coals to finally get brave enough to share her feelings.

But Pam can be assertive and she wants others to be better. Remember when she tried to help everyone with their New Year’s resolutions? And how she’s constantly trying to get Kelly to run away from Ryan (instead of running away with Ryan. Ugh. Oh Kelly. Is Kelly a 3? Discuss.)

Erin is very well also a 2.

Enneagram 3 – The Achiever

How I picture Threes in my head:

Tom Haverford

Always striving, Tom is an idea man. He is never down for long, and seems to reinvent himself easily.

Tom’s a charmer, but sometimes he gets so caught up in becoming a mogul, that he takes his friends for granted. Other times, he harnesses his charm to help his friends, though, like when he gets sponsors for the Harvest Festival by hanging out with a bunch of old dudes in a steamroom.

When Tom’s business with Jean-Ralphio goes bankrupt, he initially refuses to take back his old job at the parks department. But Tom grows over time and realizes that his friends are at least as important as fame.

Question: Is Michael Scott a 3? He’s certainly a performer.

Enneagram 4 – The Individualist

How I picture Fours in my head:

April Ludgate Macklin Karate Dwyer

April hates everything, right?

Except animals. And Andy.

And, well, Ron and Leslie, and usually Tom and Donna and Ben and Chris.

So basically April hates Jerry (doesn’t everyone) and Ann, but she only hates Ann because Ann used to date Andy, and really she kind of loves Ann secretly, and is even occasionally nice to Jerry.

This sums up Fours for me. Fours don’t hate everything, but they can be moody and a little melancholy. It’s just because they feel different.

But the “different” gives them ideas no one else would think of. Fours are creative. I mean, who helped save all the animals when the shelter closed down? That’s right. April Ludgate Macklin Karate Dwyer.

Let’s talk unhealthy 4s – Ryan??

Enneagram 5 – The Investigator

How I picture Fives in my head:

Ron Swanson

Someone who first met Ron would think he didn’t allow himself to have deep feelings about much of anything. That’s not true at all, of course – he enjoys wood working, meat and brown alcohol.

But Ron doesn’t want people to know that he has deep pursuits – he wants to keep things private, including his past marital exploits, his birthday and his address.

When Tammies return, Ron’s structured world falls apart instantly, and it’s always his friends who help to bring him back to himself.

Without a Tammy in his life, Ron is stable, if not friendly, but he is always taking in the greater details of a situation, and often willing to counsel those who will benefit from his calm mentorship. (i.e. Leslie, Tom, April … Everybody.)

P.S. I am thinking Ron is a 5w6, because he wants to be prepared for everything.

Enneagram 6 – The Loyalist

How I picture Sixes in my head:

Dwight Schrute

Dwight might be the most devoted employee in this history of the world. Definitely in the history of paper.

(By the way, Dwight knows everything about the history of paper.)

Of course he does. Because Dwight is fiercely loyal to Dunder Mifflin, and his boss, Michael Scott. He is loyal to Angela, and willing to lose his job for her.

Dwight sees past Michael’s many goofball tendencies and is willing to help defend the office at any time from perceived threats – remember the fire safety drill, Dwight’s annual updates on the thousand-year-old martial arts, and Dwight even coming to the rescue of his nemesis Jim when Roy shows up ready for a fight?

Only much later do we learn that Dwight has anxiety. But he learns how to treat it, and through time, he reaches Perfectenschlag, which makes him the perfect choice for new branch manager.

Enneagram 7 – The Enthusiast

How I picture Sevens in my head:

Chris Traeger

Chris is “lit-rally” thrilled just to be alive. So it’s nothing for him to run 17 miles in the morning, and then cook everyone turkey burgers for lunch, all while managing an entire city government.

You really think that nothing can bring Chris down until he has to confront something painful or scary, like disciplining Leslie and Ben for their relationship, or, you know, his own mortality.

Chris would never be negative when helping his pals through a crisis, but the idea of not living to be 130 is terrifying for him, and he has to go through a lot of counseling with Dr. Richard Nygard to get back to a place of optimism and zeal.

There’s a reason Ben and Chris get paired up as Butch Countsidy and the Sumdance Kid.

Chris tends to be very passionate.

“Is there anything we can do about that, Ben?”

Ben: “No.”

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Enneagram 8 – The Challenger

How I picture Eights in my head:

Nellie Bertram

When Nellie shows up in Scranton, she finds an empty desk in Andy’s office, and takes it.

Why not? Andy’s off trying to woo Erin – and “if the seat is open, the job is open.”

Nellie is ambitious, but we soon find out that she doesn’t have a lot of control in other aspects of her life. She got her heart broken by a magician, she has a shopping addiction, and she wants a baby more than anything, but isn’t having much luck with adoption.

Nellie can be confrontational – even subtly – she dresses up as “Sexy Toby” for Halloween.

But she finds a role that fits as Special Projects Manager, and she eventually has the guts to become a mother in a very unorthodox kind of way … Nellie has kindness at her core and an inner strength that helps her overcome obstacles. Nellie is going to be OK.

Is Donna an 8? She can be confrontational. She’s also a cat – so she’s a tough one to type.

Enneagram 9 – The Peacemaker

How I picture Nines in my head:

Ann Perkins!

Guess which Enneagram number was hardest for me to find an example of? That’s right – Nines.

But then I thought about how 9s so often merge with others …

Remember Ann’s boxes of boyfriend stuff? Her Andy phase, her Chris phase …? One might even argue that she goes through a years-long “Leslie’s BFF phase.”

Because Ann is a little scared to just be herself.

She also wants people to like her (so she shares gruesome medical stories with Ron and April, even though April basically has a hobby of torturing Ann), and she works as a nurse, so I bet she could easily get mistyped as a 2.

But I think what defines Ann is her initial spongy-ness. She is so go-with-the-flow that she’s ended up a little lonely.

It’s her friendships and messy relationships that help her finally go against the grain, deciding to get pregnant as a single woman. With that decision, we begin to see Ann grow into herself – not-marrying Chris but committing to him, moving to Michigan, and spreading her beautiful chestnut-haired sunfish wings. Um, fins.

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