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That time I quit homeschooling

by Kara S. Anderson

The day I quit homeschooling didn’t feel particularly dramatic.

Still, relief poured over me as I called the little Montessori-inspired school and asked about enrolling my son after Christmas.

Because I was NOT cut out to homeschool.

I had given it an honest try. I had put my whole heart and soul into it, and it hadn’t worked at all.

I felt like I was pushing all the time, which was entirely against my nature.

And my kids were NOT doing what it said in the books and on the blogs. Oh – especially the blogs!

Every blog I looked at showed sweet little cherubs, sitting so peacefully, working together …

Not one showed kids arguing. They never showed a sweaty mom, trying to gather her children to read a book … exhausted from wrangling a couch-jumping 4-year-old and nursing a squirmy 1-year-old who wanted to dump blocks – not listen to a book originally written in 1377.

And I had reached out for help!

I had asked in the Yahoo group – “why won’t my kids …” and “what do you do if your children …”

And the results had been condescending and rude.

I was NOT Waldorf enough, they said, and so I couldn’t be in their club.

Forget that that particular Yahoo club was made up of people who seemed kind of mean and judgmental and harsh.

I still wanted in because of what it promised.

I wanted the peaceful children and the lazured walls and the bread-baking.

But I couldn’t handle it. I had tried for 4 whole months, and so that phone call … it was like hearing really good news from the doctor.

If we hadn’t been so broke, and it hadn’t been December, I would have taken everyone out for ice cream.

The worst day

The day when I finally decided it was all too much wasn’t particularly loud or stressful.

It wasn’t like I had a full-on meltdown.

In fact, my kids were quiet as I made the call to the little school, requesting enrollment.

People always tell homeschoolers “don’t quit on your worst day,” but this wasn’t really my worst day.

It took a lot of time for me to feel so defeated.

And now, looking back after 11+ years of homeschooling, I know where things went wrong:

I was so terrified of not doing enough, that I tried to do everything. I pushed way too hard with kids who were too small.
I didn’t have support. And the people who I thought would be supportive were judgmental and mean.
I thought that to follow a method, you had to follow it completely. (That was the message I was getting). I didn’t know it was OK to take the parts that work for you and leave the rest.

There was a lot I didn’t know.

What I did know, was that I felt bad ALL THE TIME.

I wasn’t doing enough.

I wasn’t doing it right.

Our homeschool looked nothing like the ones I saw online.

What I know now

We just started our 12th year of homeschooling here, and this is what I know now:

I still worry about doing enough.

I’m still not doing it “right,” necessarily.

Our homeschool still doesn’t look like the ones I see online.

And all of that is OK.

Because my kids.

My kids are these cool, interesting, unique people who love making music and skateboarding and rescuing cats and art and gaming and junk food and learning.

We have never gotten into a homeschool routine that includes hours at desks.

Some days I throw out the plan.

Sometimes things don’t work.

But we wake up every day and try again, and so far, that has been enough.

And we love each other, and we enjoy just being together, and OHMYGOSH – THAT is huge.

That part is way better than enough.

So if you are struggling a bit this week, feeling like you aren’t getting it right, and that you should be doing more, OK – I think we think those things because we love our kids and take this stuff seriously.

Good job.

Now stop thinking of your fears as truth and start thinking of them as helpful reminders of just how much you care.

And then brush them off your shoulder and just do the next thing.

And if you feel like quitting – that’s OK.

Just ask yourself if it’s fear talking you into giving up.

And if it is, you know what to do: Tell that fear that you appreciate the reminder of how important all of this is, but you already know that, so please shove off.

And then the next day, get up and try again:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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How your personality impacts your homeschool

by Kara S. Anderson

When I was in high school, I decided that I needed to like coffee.

My friends had started liking coffee. A few even worked at coffee shops before Starbucks came to our town, and so they would make me coffee drinks with syrups and whipped cream, and I would try to enjoy them.

But coffee and I have a deep misunderstanding.

I say, “Hey – how about a little wake-up boost?” and coffee says, “Hold on to your flipping hat.”

To really drive the point home, coffee also makes my stomach hurt like I swallowed a handful of forks.

So I resigned myself to be a tea girl.

Still, for years I would think that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could like coffee. I would order a Peppermint Mocha because I saw one on Instagram and it looked so festive and delicious.

I’ve never grocery shopped while high on Angel Dust, but I can only think that a normal person on Angel Dust is me on a tall Peppermint Mocha. #cartrage

So coffee and I are done before we ever got started.

I’ve just returned from a weekend hanging out with fellow homeschoolers and bloggers, and I can’t tell you how many times the conversation turned to personality types.

We talked Myers-Briggs and The Enneagram, and how knowing your personality type can help you understand everything from relationships, to work, to how you homeschool.

And that is when I first thought of the coffee.

So often, I am trying to force things here that work for other people, but make my heart race and my stomach hurt.

Personality is deeply ingrained. We know that. And yet, home educator parents often forget to take their own needs into consideration when thinking about what is going to work.

No matter what our personality, here’s what it comes down to:

If we are the solo parent at home (or caring for) our kids at any given moment, then we are in charge. We set the rhythm or schedule, and we make the rules.

We are the bosses, applesauces.

In theory.

Immediately, as an INFJ, I run into a problem: my personality type is that which means I factor in everyone else’s emotions into every daily decision.

So I might wake up with a plan, but if a child awakes with a sore throat or a rough-night-of-sleep hangover, that plan goes out the window almost instantly.

I used to think that was a failing. Only after learning more about my personality did I learn that it’s just part of who I am, so of course it’s going to be how I parent, and how I home educate.

Still, this is hand’s down my single biggest challenge in homeschooling.

But it’s not everyone’s. If I tell a friend who has a different personality type that another family member’s “rough day,” derails me, she might wonder why I don’t just tell that child to suck it up, and hand them a worksheet.

But another mother’s hardest part of her day might be something I would never imagine, like noticing emotional cues in her kids.

(ALL I DO is notice emotional cues in my kids.)

Growing up teaches us that not all things are for all people – we decide that we are just firmly anti-Brussels sprout, or we are a Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or want all politicians to go back to powdered wigs and horse teeth.

We figure ourselves out, which I think takes about 40 years.

But even once we decide that we will never cut bangs again, or that corn in guacamole is a crime, we are tempted all the time by other people, who seem happy and together.

What we have to remember, though, is that those people are not US.

Some of us naturally need more order, and some of us die inside without creativity.

So here’s what I suggest to you, home educator:

– First, find out a bit about your personality type.

Take a Myers-Briggs or Enneagram test, or anything else that doesn’t ask for a lot of money or sound like a cult, and then study a bit. Learn more about what you need, and what is bound to make you nuts.

And embrace it. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We’re all unique. And it’s OK to make sure that homeschooling works for us as much as it works for our kids.

Remember: Your kids want a happy parent.

– Second, find people who inspire you to be more like yourself.

That doesn’t mean you can’t keep other people in your Instagram feed or follow them on Facebook, it just means that if you are a mom who struggles with projects, don’t fill your feed with only project-based homeschoolers.

AND, when you see another mom doing a project, think to yourself that that’s very nice and move along.

Note: If you are a sensitive soul, and if you’ve been struggling lately, it might be good to temporarily unfollow some folks. It’s OK, you can bring them back into the fold later when you are feeling more confident.

– Third, find real-life people or opportunities to fill the gaps.

If reading aloud makes you itch and squirm, check out library story times or invite Grandpa over once a week.

If you want your kids to have beautiful birthday cakes that express their personalities, find a baker in your community and let him or her do what they do best.

And then, be grateful for those people. That’s all you need to do.

You don’t need to beat yourself up that you can’t be everything to everyone.

You are not Taco Night.

But you are you, and believe me – it’s more than enough.

Want to learn more about personality types?

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Do you need a (homeschool) full stop?

by Kara S. Anderson

I heard something kind of life-changing this week:

If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, step back and cut out everything that isn’t a necessity. ~ Crystal Paine

I wasn’t looking for this piece of advice. I found it in the course of doing my job.

And to be clear, this advice goes directly against everything that I’ve believed in for a very long time.

Because the only answer to exhaustion and overwhelm is to make a list, and do everything on it as quickly as possible. Duh.

That’s what I’ve always done. For years.

As a student.

In my career.

As a busy homeschooling mama.

Do. Do. Do.

And then do some more.

(Because plate clearing and task-tackling is the only way to get things back under control … right?)

I mean the idea that what you really need is to stop?

And then do less?

Right.

And then I’ll fly my diamond-encrusted jet to Turks and Caicos for the weekend.

But something about those words really struck me.

Like a soul song.

Like in that moment, those words were just for me, and at any second they could disappear forever, so I better grab hold …

And so, I considered things, and slowly, it occurred to me that technically, I had completed my necessary work for that day.

There was still plenty to be done. Deadlines were approaching. Someone should probably throw in some laundry.

But nothing needed to be finished at that exact moment.

And so …

I got a cup of tea and crumpet and I went back to bed.

My daughter quickly joined me with her knitting needles.

My son picked out a movie for us.

I looked at the stack of books by my bed, a stack that has been waiting for a rainy day, and I piled them right next to me.

This is really happening, I thought, and a little thrill coursed through me.

How little could I do in one day?

I will tell you. For reference:

I made a frozen pizza.
I finished two books
I snuggled with my kids
I let our new puppy out 17 times
I cleaned up after our new puppy 18 times
I did one load of dishes and cleaned the counters
I cleaned the cat box
I read with my kids
I made baked potatoes and prepped toppings for a salad bar dinner, and when one of the hard-boiled eggs was being a pain in the neck and was peeled down to a tiny annoying bit of almost nothing, I gave up and pitched it to the dog
I ate two crumpets and drank 7 cups of tea

It felt luxurious. It felt indulgent. I went to bed in a state of calmness previously only achieved after …. Almost never.

The next day, I awoke at 5 a.m. I sat down to write, and a project I had been really struggling with came together in about an hour.

And so, I moved on to my other work and finished that. And it was still only 7 a.m.

And so …

And so I made another cup of tea and another crumpet and I went back to bed.

(I knooooow!)

My kids woke up late and came to snuggle with me.

“What do you guys want to do today?” I asked.

“Mama, can we stay at home today? Like yesterday? Can we have another slow day?”

And so I started to think about what we really needed to do that day.

We needed to homeschool. We had taken a day off yesterday (I’d decided to classify it as a Soul Fever Day, which we usually reserve for when kids are feeling off, not the mama).

We needed to get back on track.

But.

Instead of making a list and just jumping right in, I decided to ask myself: What are the absolute necessities for an easy homeschool day?

How could I make this day like yesterday, while incorporating a bit more intentional learning?

I will tell you. For reference:

We did a bit of math.
We read together a lot.
My son did some computer programming.
My daughter made me a beautiful bracelet.
I started a knitted hat for a baby on the way.
We snuggled close together, and when everyone felt up to it, we went outside and played with our pup and talked about our garden.

We didn’t plant our garden, because that didn’t need to be done.

It will eventually.

Probably.

By me? I don’t know.

Because the truth is, I have been feeling really exhausted and overwhelmed lately, and I didn’t realize it until I stopped.

Soul. Song.

The thing is, you’ve probably noticed, that homeschooling and parenting and homemaking are not easy ventures. They don’t stop because it’s Friday night. We don’t get to quit like Fred Flintstone when the toucan roars.

Because if you’re anything like me, even when you’re not teaching math or scrubbing the tub or talking to your kids about online safety, you’re thinking about those kinds of things.

You’re planning.

You’re maybe worrying just a little.

So today, I wanted to share with you the beauty of the full stop. The pleasure of the Soul Fever Day. The absolute transformative power of doing nothing but what you absolutely need to do, even if it’s just for an hour or two.

Because sometimes, we need to push. It’s true.

And other times, what we need most is to breathe.

At those times, I recommend tea and crumpets and a stack of good books.

I think you’ll find that a break full of nothing may give you the energy you need to move ahead once more.

Probably even stronger than before.

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What anxiety needs

by Kara S. Anderson

This past week, despite all Instagram indications to the contrary, was a very hard anxious week for me.

It should have been calm and lovely. But that’s the thing about anxiety. “Despite all indications to the contrary,” should be its slogan.

Because anxiety is tricky. It’s different than it’s partner-in-crime worry, because worry is reasonable.

But anxiety pops up just because. Because it can.

I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember — the kind that made first grade unbearable. The kind that made me worry about my grandparents and baby sister when I should have been learning spelling words and subtraction.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that the two things anxiety needs most are love and humor.

But these things can help too:

What anxiety needs

Anxiety needs space to go inside. No questions, and (Geez Louise) no requests for answers to anything, and that includes what I want on a pizza.

It needs soft words and open arms, but maybe not hugs right now, because I’m currently being slowly crushed by my own chest. So please.

And never loud music. Neither Mumford and Sons nor Fun. Although some Ingrid Michaelson might be nice later. It’ll let you know.

Anxiety needs to know that the people I love are there, but that they don’t really need anything right now.

(Because anxiety is selfish and rude, and trust me, I hate that enough for the both of us.)

Because it needs me to be able to disappear for just a minute. So if you see me blocking things out, it’s because I need a break, but I might already be in too deep to ask for it.

Because anxiety needs to sneak up on you apparently.

Anxiety doesn’t need a reason, by the way. And it’s no one’s fault.

It’s doesn’t need you to fix anything.

It doesn’t need you to diagnose anything or figure out where it came from. (Moon cycles, or hormonal cycles or bicycles or icicles?)

Speaking of which, sometimes, anxiety needs carbs, and it doesn’t want to hear about it.

Chocolate can help, but caffeine usually doesn’t.

Magnesium and lavender and Rescue Remedy might.

(Talking to a doctor might. It’s OK, I promise.)

But then again, sometimes it’s just a matter of time. Until something magical shifts back again.

(Do you see how frustrating this is?)

Anxiety doesn’t need you to try to understand, but I do.

Maybe you do too?

I should tell you that this post is not a replacement for medical advice. I’m not a doctor, but I do deal with anxiety sometimes, And I today I wanted to talk about it with you. If you deal with anxiety too, I’m sending a hug and loads of support, but if you need more than that, PLEASE don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional and ask for it. I promise it can help.

Much love,

Kara

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