Kara S. Anderson

Homeschool connection, not perfection.

Stop trying to do it all in your homeschool

by Kara S. Anderson

Well first, let me apologize for the bossy title.

I’m not normally so forceful, it’s just that I happen to have encountered a lot of moms lately who are dealing with burn-out.

Like, drag-me-up-off-the-floor-to-make-a-quesadilla level of burn-out and exhaustion.

I think a lot of things can cause us to burn out, and right now, I think a lot of us are still coping with pandemic exhaustion.

Yesterday I was talking with some friends and we decided that the pandemic has made everything at least 15 percent harder.

Everything.

Some things are even harder than that.

  • My son opening a bank account –  at least 40 percent harder than it used to be.
  • Our family just bought a car – minimum 50 percent harder than it was two years ago when we bought a car.

And this applies to everything right now.

Enough

Yesterday on the way to physical therapy, I realized I forgot a mask, which is still required at the clinic. I found one ON THE FLOOR OF MY CAR, picked it up, inspected it, and put it on my face.

Near my mouth.

Where the food goes.

(Speaking of food – food is just always hard. Forever. Send Doordash.)

So if you are like me, you are always looking for ways to make things a bit easier.

That’s where this post comes in.

And my bossy tone.

Giving up?

Because none of us feels like it’s OK to give up, right?

Our culture tells us moms are supposed to work hard, be exhausted, surrender to the messy house and messy bun, and then start drinking wine at 4 p.m.

Yikes. (Yikes about the wine being the answer – I have proudly rocked a messy bun pretty much every day of my life since college).

We’re constantly told that to BE ENOUGH, we have to DO “ENOUGH.”

Now, I wrote a whole book about how this is not true, but still, I get haunted by the lies. They sneak up on me like ninjas whispering: “your bathroom sink is gross right now, you are a Complete Failure As a Human Being.”

Doing less in your homeschool

A while back, I sent out an email to my blog friends (you guys!) asking about your Number 1 struggle with homeschooling.

It was kind of incredible – the answers varied, but many, many of them said the same thing: being consistent.

Now I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I definitely think I have an answer to this:

Do Less.

Doing less it just easier than doing more. It’s a lower barrier to entry. It’s attainable and therefore less intimidating to start.

I know – we think homeschooling isn’t supposed to be easy, because then we aren’t “doing enough“.

But I promise you, that isn’t the case.

And if trying to do it all is causing you to feel exhausted and burned out, you’re kind of shooting yourself in the foot, friend.

Simplified homeschooling

The past several weeks, my daughter and I have been doing a pared down, simplified version of homeschooling.

And amazingly, we’ve been really consistent about it.

Here’s the thing: Less is more when you do it more often.

 

 

And you know how I know it’s enough?

Every day Almost every day, we get through everything we set out to do.

Is it perfect? No.

Is it fancy? No

Is it infinitely Instgrammable? Gosh no.

Do those things really matter?

Hell to the No.


A mindset shift

So as you plan our your days and weeks, I have a few resources for you to simplify things:

 

Sending virtual hugs friends, and a reminder that you don’t have to do it all to homeschool really well.

I promise. 💙

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That’s not your thing.

by Kara S. Anderson

This is probably not new information, but you are not your best friend.

You’re not your sister, your husband, your know-it-all cousin or that lady at co-op who told you that kids who don’t read by age 4 are usually dyslexic. 🙄

And so, you don’t have to be their things, either.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about how everyone has their “things” — the things they love, the things they hate, the things that control them and define them.

Let me share a few of mine:

I love books and tea and my big, comfy bed. I love growing tomatoes and playing fetch with my cat and meals I don’t have to cook. I love travel and crushed ice and reading to my kids. I love really old men in blacks socks who buy one pear at the grocery store, salted chocolate, paper letters, small acts of kindness, warm hugs from loved ones and the way my husband’s hand feels in mine after all these years.

I hate cased meats and when the doorbell rings unexpectedly and listening to music that I’m not in the mood for. I hate milk and that poofy thing they do at the eye doctor and confrontation and artificial sweeteners. I HATE the sound of folding paper. And I hate “project toys” that never work the way they said they would and frustrate me and my child.

I don’t trust mayonnaise. I BELIEVE in butter.

These are my things. They make me me.

Other People’s Things

But plenty of times, I have tried adopting other people’s things, because they were passionate or loud about those things, and through their passionate loudness, they seemed to make sense.

I tried giving up paper towels like a friend who is incredibly fiery about the environment. I beat myself up when I would buy a roll, but I also had panic attacks when a pet would explode.

I tried making all our bread products from scratch like another friend, and found us living on Amy’s enchiladas while I waited for dough to rise.

The Other Homeschool Mom

And I have tried being another kind of homeschool mom. I’ve tried doing what the fancy, organized lady on the Internet says. I’ve forced circle times and banned computer time and spent too much money on curriculum that made me, my kids, or both miserable.

I took other people’s things — what they loved or what they hated — and I tried to make them mine. And it didn’t work.

It rarely does. Because they are not me.

Planning This Year …

So this year, as you sit down to plan your school year, I beg of you –factor in your things.

Think about what makes you happy, what scares you, what makes you want to throw your shoes, what makes you feel soft and safe on the inside.

Think about the power you have to make the year ahead good and positive.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Who knows — maybe their thing is being miserable?

But yours doesn’t have to be.

You don’t have to worry about anyone else’s things anymore.

You have your things, and it’s time to start living more of the ones you love.

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That time I quit homeschooling

by Kara S. Anderson

The day I quit homeschooling didn’t feel particularly dramatic.

Still, relief poured over me as I called the little Montessori-inspired school and asked about enrolling my son after Christmas.

Because I was NOT cut out to homeschool.

I had given it an honest try. I had put my whole heart and soul into it, and it hadn’t worked at all.

I felt like I was pushing all the time, which was entirely against my nature.

And my kids were NOT doing what it said in the books and on the blogs. Oh – especially the blogs!

Every blog I looked at showed sweet little cherubs, sitting so peacefully, working together …

Not one showed kids arguing. They never showed a sweaty mom, trying to gather her children to read a book … exhausted from wrangling a couch-jumping 4-year-old and nursing a squirmy 1-year-old who wanted to dump blocks – not listen to a book originally written in 1377.

And I had reached out for help!

I had asked in the Yahoo group – “why won’t my kids …” and “what do you do if your children …”

And the results had been condescending and rude.

I was NOT Waldorf enough, they said, and so I couldn’t be in their club.

Forget that that particular Yahoo club was made up of people who seemed kind of mean and judgmental and harsh.

I still wanted in because of what it promised.

I wanted the peaceful children and the lazured walls and the bread-baking.

But I couldn’t handle it. I had tried for 4 whole months, and so that phone call … it was like hearing really good news from the doctor.

If we hadn’t been so broke, and it hadn’t been December, I would have taken everyone out for ice cream.

The worst day

The day when I finally decided it was all too much wasn’t particularly loud or stressful.

It wasn’t like I had a full-on meltdown.

In fact, my kids were quiet as I made the call to the little school, requesting enrollment.

People always tell homeschoolers “don’t quit on your worst day,” but this wasn’t really my worst day.

It took a lot of time for me to feel so defeated.

And now, looking back after 11+ years of homeschooling, I know where things went wrong:

  1. I was so terrified of not doing enough, that I tried to do everything. I pushed way too hard with kids who were too small.
  2. I didn’t have support. And the people who I thought would be supportive were judgmental and mean.
  3. I thought that to follow a method, you had to follow it completely. (That was the message I was getting). I didn’t know it was OK to take the parts that work for you and leave the rest.

There was a lot I didn’t know.

What I did know, was that I felt bad ALL THE TIME.

I wasn’t doing enough.

I wasn’t doing it right.

Our homeschool looked nothing like the ones I saw online.

What I know now

We just started our 12th year of homeschooling here, and this is what I know now:

I still worry about doing enough.

I’m still not doing it “right,” necessarily.

Our homeschool still doesn’t look like the ones I see online.

And all of that is OK.

Because my kids.

My kids are these cool, interesting, unique people who love making music and skateboarding and rescuing cats and art and gaming and junk food and learning.

We have never gotten into a homeschool routine that includes hours at desks.

Some days I throw out the plan.

Sometimes things don’t work.

But we wake up every day and try again, and so far, that has been enough.

And we love each other, and we enjoy just being together, and OHMYGOSH – THAT is huge.

That part is way better than enough.

So if you are struggling a bit this week, feeling like you aren’t getting it right, and that you should be doing more, OK – I think we think those things because we love our kids and take this stuff seriously.

Good job.

Now stop thinking of your fears as truth and start thinking of them as helpful reminders of just how much you care.

And then brush them off your shoulder and just do the next thing.

And if you feel like quitting – that’s OK.

Just ask yourself if it’s fear talking you into giving up.

And if it is, you know what to do: Tell that fear that you appreciate the reminder of how important all of this is, but you already know that, so please shove off.

And then the next day, get up and try again:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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How your personality impacts your homeschool

by Kara S. Anderson

When I was in high school, I decided that I needed to like coffee.

My friends had started liking coffee. A few even worked at coffee shops before Starbucks came to our town, and so they would make me coffee drinks with syrups and whipped cream, and I would try to enjoy them.

But coffee and I have a deep misunderstanding.

I say, “Hey – how about a little wake-up boost?” and coffee says, “Hold on to your flipping hat.”

To really drive the point home, coffee also makes my stomach hurt like I swallowed a handful of forks.

So I resigned myself to be a tea girl.

Still, for years I would think that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could like coffee. I would order a Peppermint Mocha because I saw one on Instagram and it looked so festive and delicious.

I’ve never grocery shopped while high on Angel Dust, but I can only think that a normal person on Angel Dust is me on a tall Peppermint Mocha. #cartrage

So coffee and I are done before we ever got started.

I’ve just returned from a weekend hanging out with fellow homeschoolers and bloggers, and I can’t tell you how many times the conversation turned to personality types.

We talked Myers-Briggs and The Enneagram, and how knowing your personality type can help you understand everything from relationships, to work, to how you homeschool.

And that is when I first thought of the coffee.

So often, I am trying to force things here that work for other people, but make my heart race and my stomach hurt.

Personality is deeply ingrained. We know that. And yet, home educator parents often forget to take their own needs into consideration when thinking about what is going to work.

No matter what our personality, here’s what it comes down to:

If we are the solo parent at home (or caring for) our kids at any given moment, then we are in charge. We set the rhythm or schedule, and we make the rules.

We are the bosses, applesauces.

In theory.

Immediately, as an INFJ, I run into a problem: my personality type is that which means I factor in everyone else’s emotions into every daily decision.

So I might wake up with a plan, but if a child awakes with a sore throat or a rough-night-of-sleep hangover, that plan goes out the window almost instantly.

I used to think that was a failing. Only after learning more about my personality did I learn that it’s just part of who I am, so of course it’s going to be how I parent, and how I home educate.

Still, this is hand’s down my single biggest challenge in homeschooling.

But it’s not everyone’s. If I tell a friend who has a different personality type that another family member’s “rough day,” derails me, she might wonder why I don’t just tell that child to suck it up, and hand them a worksheet.

But another mother’s hardest part of her day might be something I would never imagine, like noticing emotional cues in her kids.

(ALL I DO is notice emotional cues in my kids.)

Growing up teaches us that not all things are for all people – we decide that we are just firmly anti-Brussels sprout, or we are a Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or want all politicians to go back to powdered wigs and horse teeth.

We figure ourselves out, which I think takes about 40 years.

But even once we decide that we will never cut bangs again, or that corn in guacamole is a crime, we are tempted all the time by other people, who seem happy and together.

What we have to remember, though, is that those people are not US.

Some of us naturally need more order, and some of us die inside without creativity.

So here’s what I suggest to you, home educator:

– First, find out a bit about your personality type.

Take a Myers-Briggs or Enneagram test, or anything else that doesn’t ask for a lot of money or sound like a cult, and then study a bit. Learn more about what you need, and what is bound to make you nuts.

And embrace it. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We’re all unique. And it’s OK to make sure that homeschooling works for us as much as it works for our kids.

Remember: Your kids want a happy parent.

 – Second, find people who inspire you to be more like yourself.

That doesn’t mean you can’t keep other people in your Instagram feed or follow them on Facebook, it just means that if you are a mom who struggles with projects, don’t fill your feed with only project-based homeschoolers.

AND, when you see another mom doing a project, think to yourself that that’s very nice and move along.

Note: If you are a sensitive soul, and if you’ve been struggling lately, it might be good to temporarily unfollow some folks. It’s OK, you can bring them back into the fold later when you are feeling more confident.

– Third, find real-life people or opportunities to fill the gaps.

If reading aloud makes you itch and squirm, check out library story times or invite Grandpa over once a week.

If you want your kids to have beautiful birthday cakes that express their personalities, find a baker in your community and let him or her do what they do best.

And then, be grateful for those people. That’s all you need to do.

You don’t need to beat yourself up that you can’t be everything to everyone.

You are not Taco Night.

But you are you, and believe me – it’s more than enough.

Want to learn more about personality types?

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