When I was in high school, I decided that I needed to like coffee.
My friends had started liking coffee. A few even worked at coffee shops before Starbucks came to our town, and so they would make me coffee drinks with syrups and whipped cream, and I would try to enjoy them.
But coffee and I have a deep misunderstanding.
I say, “Hey – how about a little wake-up boost?” and coffee says, “Hold on to your flipping hat.”
To really drive the point home, coffee also makes my stomach hurt like I swallowed a handful of forks.
So I resigned myself to be a tea girl.
Still, for years I would think that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could like coffee. I would order a Peppermint Mocha because I saw one on Instagram and it looked so festive and delicious.
I’ve never grocery shopped while high on Angel Dust, but I can only think that a normal person on Angel Dust is me on a tall Peppermint Mocha. #cartrage
So coffee and I are done before we ever got started. It would have been such a good ride, I think, until I jumped out of a 30th story window thinking I could fly …
I’ve just returned from a weekend hanging out with fellow homeschoolers and bloggers, and I can’t tell you how many times the conversation turned to personality types.
We talked Myers-Briggs and The Enneagram, and how knowing your personality type can help you understand everything from relationships, to work, to how you homeschool.
I’m hugely interested in this stuff, and was so relieved last year when I read Mystie’s fascinating piece on personality types and homeschooling.
Finally, I felt like someone understood what I was faced with here at home.
I don’t mean that to sound negative, but I had never seen it spelled out clearly for me before.
And that is when I first thought of the coffee.
So often, I am trying to force things here that work for other people, but make my heart race and my stomach hurt.
Personality is deeply ingrained. We know that. And yet, home educator parents often forget to take their own needs into consideration when thinking about what is going to work.
No matter what our personality, here’s what it comes down to:
If we are the solo parent at home (or caring for) our kids at any given moment, then we are in charge. We set the rhythm or schedule, and we make the rules.
We are the bosses, applesauces.
In theory.
Immediately, as an INFJ, I run into a problem: my personality type is that which means I factor in everyone else’s emotions into every daily decision.
So I might wake up with a plan, but if a child awakes with a sore throat or a rough-night-of-sleep hangover, that plan goes out the window almost instantly.
I used to think that was a failing. Only after learning more about my personality did I learn that it’s just part of who I am, so of course it’s going to be how I parent, and how I home educate.
Still, this is hand’s down my single biggest challenge in homeschooling.
But it’s not everyone’s. If I tell a friend who has a different personality type that another family member’s “rough day,” derails me, she might wonder why I don’t just tell that child to suck it up, and hand them a worksheet.
(I also can’t do worksheets.)
But another mother’s hardest part of her day might be something I would never imagine, like noticing emotional cues in her kids.
(ALL I DO is notice emotional cues in my kids.)
The above describes another type of introverted homeschool mom, according to Mystie’s descriptions – in fact, we’re just one letter off -and yet, we couldn’t be more different.
Growing up teaches us that not all things are for all people – we decide that we are just firmly anti-Brussels sprout, or we are a Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or want all politicians to go back to powdered wigs and horse teeth.
We figure ourselves out, which I think takes about 40 years.
But even once we decide that we will never cut bangs again, or that corn in guacamole is a crime, we are tempted all the time by other people, who seem happy and together.
What we have to remember, though, is that those people are not US.
Some of us naturally need more order, and some of us die inside without creativity.
So here’s what I suggest to you, home educator:
– First, find out a bit about your personality type.
Take a Myers-Briggs or Enneagram test, or anything else that doesn’t ask for a lot of money or sound like a cult, and then study a bit. Learn more about what you need, and what is bound to make you nuts.
And embrace it. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We’re all unique. And it’s OK to make sure that homeschooling works for us as much as it works for our kids.
Remember: Your kids want a happy parent.
– Second, find people who inspire you to be more like yourself.
That doesn’t mean you can’t keep other people in your Instagram feed or follow them on Facebook, it just means that if you are a mom who struggles with projects, don’t fill your feed with only project-based homeschoolers.
AND, when you see another mom doing a project, think to yourself that that’s very nice and keep scrolling.
Note: If you are a sensitive soul, and if you’ve been struggling lately, it might be good to temporarily unfollow some folks. It’s OK, you can bring them back into the fold later when you are feeling more confident.
– Third, find real-life people or opportunities to fill the gaps.
If reading aloud makes you itch and squirm, check out library story times or invite Grandpa over once a week.
If you want your kids to have beautiful birthday cakes that express their personalities, find a baker in your community and let him or her do what they do best.
And then, be grateful for those people. That’s all you need to do.
You don’t need to beat yourself up that you can’t be everything to everyone.
You are not Taco Night.
But you are you, and believe me – it’s enough.
Want to learn more about personality types?

- The Enneagram Made Easy
- The Road Back to You
- The Road Back to You Podcast
- The Enneagram of Parenting
- Type Talk
- Reading People: How Seeing the World through the Lens of Personality Changes Everything
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Love this! I think it’s so important to know yourself and then adjust accordingly — and stay in your own lane once you do know! You cannot be all things to all people (taco night – ha)!
This is funny because I am not a tea girl (all coffee) and I recently listened to one of your podcasts where you raved about that Trader Joe’s tea 🙂 I was like hmmm maybe I should try that. I’m sure I won’t like it because I only like iced tea but you made it sound so amazing! At least it won’t give me diarrhea. Another thing. Figuring ourselves out totally takes 40 years! Although, I just read that we start having original thoughts at 35 (Julie Bogart) and so I was hoping that 35 would be the age…since I am 35. Anyway, I recently discovered Brave Writer, and through that, your podcast. I am thoroughly enjoying it all.
I totally relate to your coffee story. I wanted to bad to drink coffee at work like everbody else but every time I did I would get stomach cramps and nausea. I love tea and have a cup every afternoon for a “mom break”.
I’m an ISFJ and also get very swayed by what everyone else in my family is feeling, doing, wants to do, likes, doesn’t like…….
Thanks for this great article. It’s so true that I compare myself to other homeschool moms and feeling like I come up short.
AMEN, SISTER!!!! This is my extrovert self nicely yelling in a fun way at you, but not too loudly so that I make you run away. Great, great stuff!!!!
Hi Kara, love this post. I am a INFJ as well but am new to homeschooling so I quite haven’t figured out how my personality type affects our homeschooling. I will be more aware of this a be sure to take notes so my teaching and school day can be more in sync with my personality type. Thanks!
Larisa
I love number two! Inspiration is only valuable if it will inspire you to be more YOU. This has been helpful for me on Instagram especially – and I have needed to unfollow some really awesome homeschoolers because it just didn’t fit and made me feel guilty for not being more like them. Love this!
The idea that personality matters (and needs to be accounted for) is so very important to accept!
Reading “The Road Back to You” and really embracing my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses has allowed me so much freedom to communicate my deepest thoughts and needs. I feel like it’s bolstered my marriage too!
Thanks for another great post!
I LOVE this post.
Kara, this is quite possibly my favorite post of yours. So so good, friend.
Fellow INFJ and I am constantly thinking about my parenting/homeschooling in light of my personality traits (specifically, wondering if moms of other types handle the chaos and noise of the combined forces of a 2, 4 and 6 year old better than i do??? Lol) Seriosuly though, I couldn’t agree with you more. The insight of personality type has sort of been a game changer for me as a parent (and also wife and human).
Hi Kara! Great article! As a fellow INFJ I can relate to all of the above. I have been diving deep into the Enneagram and have made some significant steps on my personal development as a result. Very freeing.
The book I’m into now is The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher L. Heuertz . Love it!
I would also recommend taking a gander at singer/songwriter Sleeping at Last. He is releasing nine songs, one for each Enneagram type plus doing a podcast where he shows what went into the song, and what that type is all about. He has Christopher L. Heuertz on his podcasts as well. I am an Enneagram One and this blew me away. Wonderful!
I Googled looking for how to homeschool as a Type 9 and this popped up. You and I share the same myers briggs, so I’m wondering if you are a 9?? I’m curious as to how you personally homeschool (maybe I can find that on your blog after I write this). I really wanted to homeschool and have kept my kids home instead sending them to preschool. However, now that kindergarten is coming up I feel like I failed in the homeschooling area. I have dreams and I make plans but that slothfulness and being in tune with others always comes out and I just let my kids do what they want to do. Everyone I follow is a “just do it” type, or Type A, or super crafty and have things for their kids to do everyday and I am none of those things. How have you overcome this? I don’t want to send my son to our public school, but I feel like I won’t be able to be what he needs either.
I am a 9! And I’m with you. This post outlines our journey: https://www.karasanderson.com/im-just-so-glad-he-didnt-sit-on-the-line/