Kara S. Anderson

Homeschool connection, not perfection.

An ADHD Morning Routine: Surprise! It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure!

by Kara S. Anderson 1 Comment

Well, first, let’s get this out of the way.

Do they still make choose your own adventure books?

Man, they were some of my favorites back in the 80s.

You’re reading along, just eating candy for breakfast and listening to Bon Jovi because that was a form of parenting then, knowing there’s some big pivotal thing coming, and then you must decide!

Do I turn to page 28 to see what happens if Nancy and the Hardy Boys take the speedboat across the lake?

OR, do I turn to page 31, and find out if their smoke signal worked?!

I’m sure my love of choose or own adventure books has NOTHING to do with my crippling perfectionism and fear of making bad decisions.

No way.

Still, I needed lay some groundwork here because it turns out some of you maybe did NOT spend your childhood reading about “girl detectives” and Chet and his jalopy and trying to make impossible decisions at 10 p.m. on a school night.

But don’t let all this dissuade you.

The key to a good choose your own adventure morning routine is loading up only good options and only things you actually want to do.

We’re going to be OK. Really.

WHY You May Need an ADHD Morning Routine

I’ve been excited to share about my ADHD morning routine, because it has been so incredibly helpful for me.

But I also want to be upfront about this tricky bit:

  1. When you have ADHD, it can be really hard to create routines.
  2. Then, routines get boring, and then you don’t want to do them anymore because some ADHD brains require military-grade caffeine and slot-machine like levels of dopamine to do anything.

I’ve been joking recently that I have two modes:

  • ADHD-fueled hyper-focus that means I can accomplish inhuman amounts of work
  • Couch

Both are hard for their own reasons, but I would say Couch is harder because Couch is where the existential dread starts to creep in, and I start to question things like, “life,” and “meaning” and “purpose,” and why some people spend so much money on baby shoes.

So the goal of a good ADHD morning routine is to warm up slowly,
like a geriatric athlete. 

My routine is a way to bring structure, first thing, before the Give-A-Mouse-A-Cookies take over and I open too many coffee cans.

BUT!

At the same time, it’s ALSO a way to not throw myself into a straightjacket without first getting a feel for the day.

I CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH: DO NOT MAKE PROMISES FOR THE DAY IN THE MORNING BEFORE YOU HAVE HAD A MINUTE.

Your minute may be two minutes or it may be 30, but I think a key to happiness is to not lock in ANYTHING until you’ve had some water and looked outside and maybe seen how much overnight cat frat-house barf you need to clean up.

That’s actually why part of my morning routine includes asking three questions.

But oh my gourd. Spoiler.

Is It Really an ADHD Morning Routine if it isn’t Set in Stone?

Yes.

I mean, I’m not a doctor, and my sample size is one, but definitely, YES.

When Do I Start an ADHD Morning Routine?

At one point, my morning routine was watching the Today Show in my pajamas while nursing a baby.

At another, it was reading books with a 3-year-old in my pajama pants while nursing a baby.

And for about two weeks in 2009, my morning routine was literally being woken by a tiny person who had removed their diaper and climbed into bed with me to hand it to me.

So this is what I need you to know:

I have a lot of experience as a hands-on, responsive parent who would have eaten glass for my kids, so I understand that there are times in life when you don’t have control over your morning routine.

  • You don’t have control over your body.
  • You might not even know where you are.
  • Your alarm clark is a person.
  • Uninterrupted peeing is a luxury.

And this is the time when SLEEP is your morning routine.

AGAIN, I CAN NOT OVERSTATE THE VALUE OF THIS WISDOM:

“More Sleep = More Resourced.” – Tiffany Han

So more valuable than anything else is rest. Because being as rested as possible will help you with all the other impossible, vital, nonsense, necessary things that you have to do.

I know there are people who say, “just wake up 30 minutes early,” and to them I say:

Instead, I encourage you to baby-step into any morning routine as your children learn how to do things like:

  • hold up their own head
  • not eat marbles
  • not rely entirely on you or other adults for survival

My point here is that you can start a morning routine when you are ready, but you don’t need to start one tomorrow.

You certainly don’t need to start the one I am about to outline until like me, you have experienced:

I was 45 when I found out I had ADHD.

In a way, it sucked, because it would have probably, you know, made several life things easier to know sooner.

But, I do have the advantage that my children can drive, buy groceries, work, bathe independently, use the toaster and one of them can vote.

So – please, please, please don’t look at this routine I’m about to share and think – must be nice, lady.

This is just what is working well for me, 11 months since I was diagnosed, happily taking medication that is helping tremendously, and living as a crone who has to sleep with a humidifier or else I turn to stone/a mummy.

It JUST occurred to me how much this Scooby mummy looks like Michael Scott in his straight jacket. So I guess we’re full circle now?

The ADHD Choose Your Own Adventure Morning Routine

The key, I think, to an ADHD morning routine is just enough structure mixed with a blend of radical rebellion that makes you feel like you’re skipping school.

Like a nice temperate snow day that they called too soon because the superintendent didn’t want to have to decide at 4 a.m.

OK – so how do we capture this feeling?

  1. The Structure

We need to do some things to make our morning routine feel like a routine.

For me that includes sound, light, smell and caffeine.

So I start some tea, put on some gentle background music or ambient sound, and then I light up my house just like this, but with zero people.

I plug in twinkle lights and light candles, grab my morning journal and then I sit in a special spot – I bet you can guess where that’s right – COUCH.

It’s winter now, basically, so I turn on my happy light.

(I am already getting so much done! Look at me!)

Then, I put some essential oils on my wrists, and I light a 20-minute candle.

If you haven’t heard of these, they are candles that burn for 20 minutes.

And they are a perfect gentle timer! I love them so much.

And then I close my eyes.

2. The Adventure

Sometimes, that is enough.

I sit there and smell nice things and let my therapy light blast me in the face and take breaks every few minutes to sip my tea. (New FAVE tea!)

This is like meditation, only it’s informal, so I can do it because if I open my eyes or just quit, it’s fine. There are no rules!

Sometimes, I sit for a while, then grab my journal, date a page with my library stamp (I love a gray stamp pad for this) and start writing with my favorite pens.

If I am stuck or just looking for an easy A, I ask myself three journal prompt questions:

The Three Morning Questions:

  • How do you feel?
  • How is your energy?
  • What do you need today?

Doing that part alone – asking yourself these three questions, is a game-changer.

It’s all about reaching out to your ADHD brain and saying,

“Hi Friend. How are you? Do you need toast? A bath? A quick walk? More glorious silence? OK. I am here for you.”

Which leads me to …

How to Manage Adventure Ideas

The whole reason this routine is working well for me is options combined with structure, so I have a list of options on a little card that I can reference.

(More on how I use cards here and here) and here ⬇️ , because cards are, to rip-off Stephen King talking about books, “uniquely portable magic. ✨)

Notecards here / stamp here /   Papermate pens here, / gray stamp pad here.

 

Adventure Options!

Remember, the whole thing is that YOU choose your adventure options. Make them things you like and want to do.

Don’t worry if you only have 2 or 3 to start.

I am finding that this system builds up itself, which is how one of my most recent morning adventures has become … genealogy?! Yup!

Here is my current list of adventures:

  • journaling
  • listening to a recorded meditation
  • pulling cards
  • reading
  • Morning Pages
  • writing a Letter From Love a la Elizabeth Gilbert
  • genealogy 🤷‍♀️ – just a little gentle digging

To dive a bit deeper into each adventure …

Journaling:

I like free journaling and journaling with prompts or asking my three questions (above) and sometimes I just end up doodling or making lists or venting.

(Part of what works well for my ADHD brain, I’m learning, is writing things down in a safe place. Even if it’s messy. Then I can trust that I’ll be able to find it again, and I don’t have to drag it around with me like a pet bunny on a leash.)

My journaling some days is a to-do list, but I add some fun washi tape and amazing stickers because
This Is Work.

It might not feel like it, but it is.

Before we start anything, we have to decide what we are going to do, and lists are my BFF.

>>(Need some journal assistance? Go check out my incredible friend Ashley’s Year-Long Journal group!

Not only do you get daily prompts and a chance to connect with other journalers and refine your craft – she hosts LIVE JOURNAL PARTIES. 🎉)<<

Membership closes soon!

 

Recorded Meditation:

I do like meditating sometimes.

My go-tos for recorded meditations are Insight Timer and Calm.

Pulling cards:

I love a good card deck.

Sometimes, I’ll pull a card and meditate on it, (just thinking, really) or journal on it. Other times, I just want some inspiration for the day.

I love this card deck, but there are lots of fun ones and plenty of gorgeous, beautiful inspirational ones.

Reading:

You know this one already.

Although, I will say, I tend to read non-fiction in the morning.

I keep a morning book basket with a few books I can dip in and out of easily.

Right now:

I just carried Kort’s book around with me for like 72 hours once it arrived. It was like an emotional support book from someone who means so much to me. I am SO happy for her. 🩵

Morning Pages:

I have yet to actually finish or really even read The Artist’s Way, but I do love Julia Cameron’s suggestions to wake up and write three pages as soon as you can.

I’ve ended up writing journal-type entries, starting short stories and book chapters …

(Again, freedom within some gentle confines).

A Letter From Love:

This is a practice I learned about from Elizabeth Gilbert.

It’s just what it sounds like. Write yourself a letter from love.

This is lovely for those fear/worry/overwhelm days when it seems impossible to center myself, and I just want to crawl back into bed.

A Letter from Love is a practice in self-compassion, and I find that many of us diagnosed with ADHD later in life need self-compassion plopped on us like whipped cream at a waffle bar.

We’re only just realizing that we aren’t just bad at life.

So this is our new goal, OK?

Drown yourself in self-compassion. Use a shovel. Pile it upon yourself like free beach sand.

Why This ADHD Morning Routine Works For Me

I think there are a lot of reasons that this routine has stuck:

First, again – it’s a chance for self-compassion, and listening to myself and thinking about what I actually need.

Second, it’s a chance to look at the day through the filter of mood and energy.

My daughter coined the term “awake points,” and some days, we just have more awake points that other days.

Finally, The Structure (above) is auto-pilot.

It’s easy. It’s simple.

There aren’t decisions to make.

I just need to grab some supplies (which I keep all together, so I just roll in my journal cart) and put my bum in the seat.

And THAT is enough.

That’s all it takes, really.

Well, that and tea.

And then, I see what happens.

It’s a little magical.

And somehow, it’s just right, every time.

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ADHD: Meds and Regrets (but not how you think)

by Kara S. Anderson 2 Comments

So here’s what’s messed up.

About 20 minutes after I took ADHD meds for the first time, I got up off my beloved couch (My Throne of ADHD Paralysis) to walk upstairs.

I think I had a plan, but I can’t remember now because all I can recall is that while walking up the stairs, I realized my brain was reaching for stress – doing what it always did – just psychically calling out to the worries or whatever – and nothing. was. there.

I couldn’t think of anything to worry about.

And so, still fully dressed from my doctor’s appointment a few hours before – wearing mascara and button-pants, I flopped down on my bed and started laughing hysterically.

Then I started sobbing.

Then I called my son.

“I didn’t know I could feel like this,” I said.

He responded: “I know.”

My Brain is Broken and So Is My Mom

For two and a half GLORIOUS days, I tried to come to terms with the fact that my brain is actually broken different, and that medicine was helping.

I had tried to talk myself out of an ADHD diagnosis once I got one because my diagnosis was a little complicated.

It turns out that I also have something called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), and so there’s this chicken and egg thing …

I don’t want to go into that too much in this post, but it was enough to make me question if I really had ADHD at all, despite a bunch of testing, or if bad stuff had just broken my brain.*

#both!

But then a few weeks later, I was prescribed ADHD medication, and immediately I felt such relief that I knew. I knew – something …

That I had to work out something about neurodivergence … and everyone …

And then my phone rang and it was my mom’s husband saying she was on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.

Perfect Timing. Sort Of.

My mom is doing really well, but let’s just say that the whole thing was a long road, and really messy, and I guess interestingly from a timing stand-point, sort of a breaking point for my mom as far as some of our super-fun shared trauma goes.

You know how you can look back and think – OH! It all had to come undone. Things are so much better now!

But at the time, none of it felt connected or good. It felt like chaos and stomach pain. (Fun Fact: I haven’t eaten cheese since January!)

But Dr. L and the good Lord had given me ADHD meds – and so I was able to function through the whole thing in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to before – not just logistically, but with …

wait for it …

confidence?

I don’t know how to explain it.

I just know that I found myself emboldened and unafraid.

I did what John Mayer and Rob Reiner told us to do in 2007. I said what I needed to say.

But that doesn’t mean I had processed ANY of the ADHD stuff.

Processing That We all Have ADHD

In fact, I was still feeling, not surprisingly, heaping loads of guilt.

It turns out that when it clears away the smog, ADHD medicine can help you feel both so much better, and so much worse.

And so as my sister and I worked to set my mom up with resources and care, I was also seeing (thanks to 3 whole weeks of ADHD meds) that I hadn’t really processed the everyone has ADHD thing. 

So Much Transition

I’d actually been on weird auto-pilot since dropping my son off at college.

At literally the same time my daughter started bursting out like a bean sprout. She got an offer for a job interview in a McDonald’s parking lot half-way between our home and my son’s new college on the way to drop him off.

So as soon as we got home, she started working and prepping to start early college enrollment at 15.

That meant that – surprise! I was kind of done homeschooling? Sort of?

(I wasn’t, because she was 15, but there was definitely a huge shift happening.)

Plus my son had been diagnosed with ADHD in the late summer, and then my daughter got her diagnosis in the fall, and then I got mine in December.

And they were TOO BUSY to have long conversations about the whole thing just to assuage my guilt!

Can you imagine?

Regrets, I HAD a Few

And so I had sort of been simmering in a soup of feelings about my kids both having ADHD – and guilt was the broth.

I would ask myself really helpful questions like:

***

Meanwhile, my actual children were doing OK.

My son had gotten into his first choice of university, started a band, and was adjusting to college life.

My daughter had started work and college at 15, because she could.

I’m not saying that everything was perfect. But I am saying that no one was curled up in a ball in their closet like Moira.

 

Getting a Delayed ADHD Diagnosis

And so during the summer, while my son was home, every once in a while we he made coffee and I made tea, I would ask little things like if he felt like homeschooling had destroyed his whole life.

It shouldn’t be a kid’s job to make their parent feel better, so eventually, I stopped asking probing questions and watched and listened.

I saw how close my kids are, and how they would talk about ADHD, ADHD meds, and school and jobs, and support one another, and I realized that this closeness was due in part to time spent together in trees when they “should have” been doing math.

And I felt my gut relax just a little.

Then my son told me at one point that homeschooling gave him exactly what he needed. It gave him and his brain freedom and he was grateful.

And I felt my soul relax just a little.

ADHD Meds – They Aren’t What I Thought

The truth is, we’ll never know what it would have been like to all be diagnosed sooner with ADHD.

We simply can’t go back.

I will say this – about a year and a half before my son was the boy who wouldn’t sit on the line, he was the boy walking around the doctor’s office asking questions, and the doctor remarked how “ACTIVE,” he was.

He kept saying and emphasizing that word: “He’s really ACTIVE, isn’t he?”

I just smiled because yes – he was active.

But I also knew what the doctor was getting at. Was he – you know – “hyperactive?”

Was he presenting with classic little boy ADHD symptoms? The kind we were all familiar with back when George W. Bush was president?

And if so, what were our options? ADHD Meds?

I assumed Ritalin.

Because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

And I was scared.

I was scared that he would be prescribed meds at age 3 just so he could “behave,” in pre-school.

I was afraid of him “being labelled.”

I was worried that ADHD medication wouldn’t help him thrive in a classroom – that instead, it would just keep him still.

I assumed medication would make him less him instead of more him.

‘Good Job, Mom’

And then my daughter …

Well, she was active too.

I remember taking her to that same doctor, concerned about her bruised shins. I worried about low iron or something.

“No,” the doctor said. “When I see this, I think ‘active kid.'”

Relief washed over me.

“Do you like to ride your bike and play outside?” he asked, and she said yes.

She brought up tap dancing in the driveway and taking our pet chickens for rides down the slide.**

He smiled and nodded.

“Good work, Mom,” he said.

(And that right there, helps illustrate why females with ADHD often go undiagnosed for 15/45 years.)

So Now What?

So now – just now – finally NOW, I am beginning the process of really thinking about ADHD and what that means, both as a neurodivergent person myself, and as the parent of two kids with ADHD.

And I wonder if you are reading this, looking for some idea of what to do if you suspect you or your kids have ADHD.

So I guess this is what I’ll say about that:

  1. ADHD is a mess.

I mean honestly.

They’re figuring things out, but they (the medical world, I guess?) is still all confused, and most people don’t even know what to look for.

2. We’re Still Operating Like It’s Desert Storm

In fact our whole society is still mainly looking at the little boys who can’t hold still.

I let myself be mad about this at one point.

But as I keep learning more about ADHD, I 100 percent forgive the people who missed my ADHD and my daughters’ ADHD.

Now I need to work on forgiving myself.

3. It’s OK, Mama Bear

So if you think you have ADHD, or one or more of your kids does (there is a strong genetic link) – don’t be mad at yourself for trying to protect your kid from anything negative associated with it.

Again, I am trying to say this to myself.

No one wants their kid “labelled,” but I think we all want them properly diagnosed if they have ADHD.

Part of my goal with this series is to share information as I learn about it, because there is so much I wish I had known decades ago.

4. The Diagnosis Process Is Hard

So maybe you’ve been thinking about trying to get a diagnosis, but you’re running into roadblocks and beating yourself up about that.

Stahp. (As my friend Vanessa would say.)

We’re dealing with a super fun time when we are becoming more aware of ADHD and what is actually looks like and there are whole TikTok accounts devoted to it, and everyone and their mother is getting diagnosed, but that doesn’t mean any of the process is easy.

I heard from someone in the UK that you can be on a waiting list for YEARS just to get a diagnosis.

5. ADHD Meds. Ugh.

But here’s something great! Even if you get diagnosed by a professional, and that professional gives you a prescription for ADHD meds, it’s a total crapshoot whether Walgreens has any!

 

{Thank you, Nandor, for bringing some levity.}

Because I don’t want to be a total bummer, but this is a big problem.

ADHD can feel like trying to see and catch vapor, and then take that vapor somewhere for testing, but testing is either $32 million or unavailable until 2088, and if you are lucky enough to get diagnosed, vampires drank all the Adderall out of club kids.

This isn’t the real reason for a current Adderall shortage. Some people think it is – that people are abusing it – but I think it’s more that we’re all becoming aware of how ADHD actually presents, and finally getting properly diagnosed (if we’re really lucky), and so supply just hasn’t caught up with demand.

And So … Dear You,

Let’s take a deep breath.

Let’s just realize that right now, things are probably OK-ish for you and/or your kids.

If they truly are not, reach out for immediate help. Please.

(Because as I discussed here – ADHD, anxiety and depression are linked.)

Processing ADHD the Best We Can

Currently, I am definitely still processing all of this.

More posts are coming in this ADHD series.

But I’m pretty sure about one thing. As much as I love time travel as a genre, actual time travel hasn’t become reality yet, so we need to do the best we can, wherever we are in this process, to look ahead.

It’s like that song 100 Tampons, which I will let this NPR article sum up:

“Ahead of her 1983 space flight, NASA suggested sending astronaut Sally Ride with 100 tampons for the week-long trip. (That’s too many.)”

The point here is that (see #1) AHDH is kind of a mess. But smart people are working on it all the time.

It’s a little like those glass cubes people put in bathrooms instead of windows.

You can kind of see what’s going on, but you’re definitely not getting the whole picture, but at least some light is getting in.

I wish it was easier.

I’m sending a hug.

Back soon. 🩵

ADHD SERIES

Post 1: So … We All Have ADHD

Post 2: ADHD: There’s Just One Kind Now, But Not Really (The Long and Confusing History of What We Call ADHD)

Post 3: Hey Laaaaady! ADHD in Girls and Women and Why You Don’t Just Suck at Life

*I’m not trying to be vague for any reason other than that some things aren’t mine to talk about and some things are just too hard to talk about and I’m waiting for a book deal.

**How could I ever doubt that we were natural homeschoolers?

This post contains affiliate links.

Photo by Christina Victoria Craft on Unsplash

Hey Laaaaady! ADHD in Girls and Women and Why You Don’t Just Suck at Life

by Kara S. Anderson 1 Comment

Trigger warning: Mention of severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Please skip this one if you need to.

And if you are dealing with severe depression or thoughts of suicide, please, please get help right away. Head to the ER. Call 911. Please. 

My favorite way to describe my ADHD to people is comparing my brain to the mouse in Laura Numeroff’s “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,” a book in which a cartoon mouse starts out by requesting a cookie, and ends up giving himself a haircut and having a child make him a bed he doesn’t even sleep in and demanding office supplies and eventually coming around to ask for another cookie.

Honestly, Numeroff’s books are adorable. There’s a whole series, including but not limited to If You Give a Pig a Pancake, If you Give a Cat a Cupcake and If You Give a Moose a Muffin.

They were my some of my daughter’s favorites when she was younger …

And I have to wonder now if she was intuitively drawn to the characters because last year we found out we both have ADHD.

ADHD in Girls and Women – Let’s do this.

I want to tell you a little bit about how it feels to have ADHD as a 46-year-old lady, because that’s the only perspective I truly have.

But, I also just want to share a few things before we jump in, because statistically, girls and women are more likely to go undiagnosed and/or be misdiagnosed when it comes to ADHD.

We often wait years or decades to learn that we aren’t just BAD AT LIFE.

It’s heartbreaking.

Here are a few reasons why:

  • Often, the way ADHD presents in girls is NOTHING like the bouncy little boy we knew in 2nd grade, who was always getting in trouble and couldn’t sit still
  • Therefore, we aren’t seen as a “behavior problem,” so everybody thinks we are “focused and good,” because we hold still, although we may be daydreaming all the time, or thinking about something entirely different than whatever it is we’re supposed to be doing or learning.
  • This could be because of that troublesome H in ADHD, which stands for hyperactivity. I break down here the long, messy history of trying to name ADHD and classify it, and why you don’t have to be hyperactive AT ALL to have ADHD.
  • In fact of the 3 flavors, it’s more common for girls to have Inattentive ADHD.
  • Girls and women are also often diagnosed with anxiety/depression while their ADHD gets missed (more on that below)
  • Girls seem to be better as something called “masking,” probably due to social conditioning. In essence, the theory is that ladies are better at pretending their brains aren’t full of fireworks.
  • As girls age, they seem to be better at developing “coping strategies,” to keep them on track. Think of the lists and binders, and baskets and color-coding and all the other stuff that Pinterest and Instagram tends to feed ladies.
  • Finally – during perimenopause, ADHD symptoms get turned up, which is why I thought maybe I had something really wrong with my brain.

Now – of course these are generalizations, and don’t even get me started on how complicated this all is, especially when it comes to gender …

Definitely do your own research and talk to a doctor.

I am not a doctor.

I’m just a lady, and here is my ADHD story:

If You Have ADHD and Want to Shower

So here’s what I mean about my brain being like an adorable, distractible cartoon rodent:

If I’m going to take a shower, I’m going to need a towel.

So I open the towel drawer in the linen cabinet, and realize we don’t have a lot of towels left.

So I go upstairs to collect towels from the upstairs bathroom, and notice the hall really needs to be swept.

So I go back downstairs to get my handy Swiffer (don’t worry – I have these to save trees),* and run it up and down the hall because we have A LOT of pets, and sometimes they all spontaneously molt.

On the way down the stairs, I Swiffer those too, and notice there is a spot on the wall.

So I put the Swiffer down at the base of the stairs (surprisingly not its home, but it will potentially stay right there for days or weeks), and go grab a Magic Eraser.

(I don’t know of a “natural option,” for Magic Erasers, although I have heard to just buy these in bulk to save money. But if someone figures out how to make a Magic Eraser type product out of recycled wool sweaters, I’ll be first in line to try them.)*

OK, So Now I’m Ambush Cleaning

After thinking about wool sweaters and cleaning the spot, it occurs to me that I have this handy device in my little paw, so I might as well look all over the place for little spots on walls.

I go back up the stairs and into my bedroom, my husband’s office, my daughter’s room, and … the bathroom!

Ack! The bathroom!

Towels!

So I collect towels, take them downstairs and put them in the wash immediately so I don’t forget AGAIN.

But wait.

Now I can’t take a shower because 1926 plumbing means I could be scalded to death unexpectedly if two “water things” run simultaneously.

And so I pause in the laundry room, temporarily paralyzed.

(This type of ADHD paralysis can last a while, especially if you are sitting on a couch or curled up in bed. But, IT’S A REAL THING, and it’s not just you, OK?)

Stuck, Stuck, Stuck, Squirrel!

There’s always a 50/50 shot that I will either walk into a room and just stand there wondering what I was going to do, OR, I’ll be immediately distracted by something neither urgent nor important, but that feels at the moment vital to keeping the Earth orbiting the sun.

So standing in my laundry room, my eyes land upon Bag Land.

We used to not get plastic bags at stores, but then Covid, and now sometimes we get plastic bags.*

But that’s OK! Because our neighbor uses plastic bags because he walks his adorable dog Maggie 26 times per day. He LOVES when we bring him poo-poo bags.

And so, I shove all the bags inside a bag, and head over to his house, where I put the bags and a dog treat on his porch, and then run away because I am loving and kind, but not good at small talk and this is called “knowing who you are.”

Now I’m Buying Stuff?

The fresh air and change of scenery has refreshed my brain, and I remember that I want to shower!

So I decide to get my toiletries ready for as soon as the washer is done.

I also set an alarm for 30 minutes on my phone that says “SHOWER!” and then add this emoji: 🛀 because having a brain like mine is FUN!

(And annoying and was slowly ruining my life until I got diagnosed, but now – 🚿! Wahoo. I have new tools like setting 36 alarms a day! More soon on that.)

A bunch of you said you liked my notecards and stamp on Instagram, so I wanted to let you know that you can get the notecards here, and the stamp here, and then pens are just Papermates, and the chipmunk stickers were a gift. (Also, I like a gray stamp pad, especially first thing in the morning.)

ADHD Organization Schmorganization

As I am collecting my toiletries, I am reminded for the 907th time that I need a shower caddy that is just for my stuff.

And that means I need to make it a habit** to return my toiletries to the shower caddy after I use them EVERY TIME, or else it becomes a Wild West situation with my caring family just guessing where things go.

Do I put Washi tape on everything to identify it as mine, I stop and ask myself? Is Washi tape waterproof? Do I put it on my shampoo, conditioner, body wash … Crap, I need to order body wash. And a caddy. And maybe Washi tape … after thoroughly researching which brand is most water-resistant.

Now I’m Off and Running – I Can Totally Fix This!

Except I am not.

I am off and sitting, forgetting why I picked up my phone, and maybe trying to make a list, or maybe just mentally chastising myself for being:

  • lazy
  • disorganized
  • non-productive
  • cranky + stanky (because I still haven’t showered)
  • bad at being a person

The ADHD Feels

For me, the worst part of undiagnosed ADHD wasn’t the distractibility.

Although it was inconvenient, I worked for about 40 years to try to create systems and adhere to them and adapt them, and crack the forking code.

BUT that was nothing compared to how undiagnosed ADHD made me feel.

You Just Need a System (i.e. Bite me, Linda)

Systems aren’t easy to create. They take time and trial and error, and a lot of the advice out there for “creating a perfect morning routine,” is not meant for someone with bonkers ADHD.

That was my formal diagnosis based on scientific testing – Bonkers/Severe.

And again, peri-menopause heightens ADHD symptoms!

**So here’s a fun little habit truth nugget: When you tell someone with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD to “just make something a habit,” you are most likely just reinforcing their concerns and fears that their problem is lack of willpower, disorganization, zero motivation, and just general suckage.

How Am I This Tired?

All the creating systems and trying to adhere to systems and trying to find my keys and trying to homeschool my kids and have a schedule meant I was tired all the time.

I know a lot of us are tired for a lot of reasons. This isn’t my submission for the Tired Olympics.

I’m just saying, ADHD brains are working hard.

In my case, my ADHD brain was working ESPECIALLY HARD when it looked like I was “doing nothing.”

You are NOT Lazy

After three of us here were diagnosed and I started to learn more about ADHD, I kept saying that ADHD is like a duck floating peacefully on the water (what people see), but underneath, their little legs are pumping like a Peloton coach.

Just because people can’t see an ADHD brain working hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t.

And just because you don’t see a person with ADHD “trying,” doesn’t mean they aren’t.

Time Blindness?

Every single time I take a shower, I am NEWLY amazed that it really isn’t something you need to set aside a half-day for.

I also have this cute thing where if someone says a date, like Oct. 14, my brain can’t figure out if that is a long way away, or what day it might be when it arrives no matter how long I try to think it out. It’s kind of like if you said to me, “this project is due when Venus aligns with Saturn.”

This could be time blindness, a quirk or both.

But DON’T WORRY!

I figured this one out a long time ago.

Are you ready for the secret? You just let anxiety drive your mental car ALL the time.

Anxiety will just assume you are already late, and that on the way to your appointment you will get a flat tire, run into a train with 800 cars, and while waiting, your gas light will pop on.

Anxiety won’t let you forget, especially if you turn it up high enough.

(I’m not serious, of course. This is an example of not coping well.)

So Yeah. Anxiety.

I resisted anxiety and depression meds for a long time, but during a few really bad periods of depression, I would take meds with the goal of getting off of them as soon as possible.

Then at 35, I started regularly taking medication for my anxiety, and it was life-changing.

What I’ve learned during the past year is that women and girls with ADHD are often diagnosed with anxiety, depression or both, given medication and maybe referred to a therapist.

Meanwhile what they are actually dealing with is :

    • a combo platter of anxiety/depression and ADHD
    • or just undiagnosed ADHD
    • or anxiety and depression because they have undiagnosed ADHD and they can’t figure out why everything feels so damn hard, even though they take meds and do what they are told

Feelings of failure

Which leads to … feeling like a failure.

One of the things that I talked to my therapist about the most for YEARS was feeling like I was letting everyone down, all the time.

No matter how hard I worked; no matter how many lists I made; no matter what time I got up in the morning, I felt like I was letting everyone down and failing at pretty much everything.

This could lead to/rope itself in with actual clinical depression that one May, tried to murder me.

I’m not making a joke about suicide.

I’m trying to explain that if you have never experienced severe depression, it isn’t like you are making a choice – it’s bigger than that and it’s in your brain …

It’s as real as anything, and Dear God, if you ever find yourself dealing with severe depression, please, please get help right away. Call 911 or head to the ER. 

‘Just Quit Caffeine’

There really isn’t a way to to transition after that, but believe it or not, caffeine – or rather lack of caffeine – was seriously detrimental to my system and contributed to depressive feelings.

But again, as someone who was diagnosed with anxiety, I tried going off caffeine at least a dozen times to see if I could finally feel better!

And something weird would always happen.

I would feel … worse.

I would lose any motivation at all.

Like I would feel stuck – glued down – trapped.

When I went to see a doctor to find out if I had ADHD or if something else cognitive was brewing because I could no longer remember how my house keys worked, one of the things she asked was how I felt when I gave up caffeine.

I wanted to cry.

Not this again.

Please.

“I feel like I can’t function,” I said, “please don’t tell me I have to give up caffeine.”

She told me then that she wanted me to include moderate/healthy levels of caffeine in my diet except for on the day of my ADHD testing.

Then she told me to bring caffeine with me for right after the test, and then I did cry because I felt like maybe we were getting somewhere.

I’m Just The Worst

All of this stuff – these emotions – these worries …

All of the trying and feeling like I was failing and being exhausted, it all turned into GUILT.

*You may have noticed above that I mention occasionally using Magic Erasers and plastic bags, and I sound like I’m talking about single-handedly sinking an oil tanker and cutting down all the forests.

I am a naturally stressed, worried, concerned person who tends to feel A LOT.

And I’m really good at taking in information, which means I read an article years ago about an island of plastic garbage in the ocean and for a long time, I would choose to carry all my produce home under my armpits if I had to rather than use a plastic bag.

(This could also be an example of black and white thinking – another common ADHD symptom).

How To Keep House While Drowning

So I need to say right now, that this book rescued me from the cycle of

trying ➡️ failing ➡️ feeling guilty ➡️ feeling bad at life ➡️ feeling like I just needed to try harder … and, repeat … ➡️

If I met KC today, I would ugly cry so hard, you guys.

And don’t be confused by the book’s name.

This book is not just about cleaning. It’s about caring for our bodies and minds and souls and yes, our space.

It’s about finally learning that not being good at “care tasks,” like washing the dishes or brushing your teeth, is not a reflection of your worth as a human.

It’s one of the best things that happened to me in 2022.

Life is a lie

Because, finally, living with undiagnosed ADHD, especially as a woman or girl, is about faking it A LOT.

This is technically called “masking,” and is far more common in the female population, which often means it takes SO MUCH LONGER to get diagnosed with ADHD.

Masking is a bit like wearing a mask – because especially if you are my age, you have been told to smile through everything from active labor to root canals to ongoing sexual harassment at work.

But masking doesn’t just feel like having to put on a mask for the world … 

Taking Off the Mask Feels Terrifying

Honestly, it feels like at any moment, someone could pull off the mask Scooby-style and you will be revealed as a complete disaster of a human. And so …

  • It feels like thinking about what everyone else is thinking
  • It feels like trying to read facial cues and tone of voice and if this 🙂 means “Good job!” or “You’re getting fired tomorrow.”
  • It feels like trying to appear organized and working so hard at it, that by 4 p.m., you’re crying while making ANOTHER DAMN SPREADSHEET
  • It feels like getting straight As in school, but not learning anything or getting Ds and not knowing why
  • It feels like getting a raise, but still shaking every time you sit down at your desk
  • It feels like wondering if your partner hates you for not taking out the trash
  • It feels like pretending to be interested when someone is talking, meanwhile your your brain can’t stop thinking about something else and making lists
  • It feels like making lists. So many lists.
  • It feels like wanting someone to SEE you, and yet being terrified of what would happen if anyone knew just how scattered you feel all the time
  • It feels like getting everywhere early to prove yourself
  • It feels like giving your son tampons for his camping trip because there are people who menstruate going on the trip, and you want to be sure you thought of EVERYTHING.
  • EVERYTHING.
  • EVERYTHING.
  • It feels like sleep is just horizontal processing in the dark
  • It feels like you can’t explain yourself but you always need to
  • It feels like justifying everything
  • It feels fake
  • It feels phoney
  • It feels like most people who think they know you don’t know you at all
  • And on the very worst days, it feels like no one gives a shit, because if they did, they would HELP.

But no one is going to help, because you are the capable one. You are the glue and the staples, baby.

You are reliable, dependable.

You are loyal to a fault.

You smile.

You are funny.

You say you’re fine.

You say it to other people, and you say it to yourself.

You know that your can hard-work your way through anything. The world has taught you that.

It has taught you exactly how to be.

And that’s why it can take 45 years to learn that it never had to be this hard.

It’s Fine. No Really.

OK. That was sort of a bummer.

But it’s also real, and I’ve been holding all this in for a year/46 years.

So I’m going to say this so you don’t feel like you have to call my mom or something:

I’m good.

Really.

Getting diagnosed has helped me a lot. Getting medication has helped me a lot.

But you know what’s helped the very most?

Knowing that I’m not just a lazy, broken fuck-up.

I’m not.

I’m actually pretty amazing.

I bet you are too, but you might need some support and resources.

We’ll talk about that soon.

The ADHD Series

Post 1: So … We All Have ADHD

Post 2: ADHD: There’s Just One Kind Now, But Not Really (The Long and Confusing History of What We Call ADHD)

Post 4: ADHD: Meds and Regrets (but not how you think)

This post contains affiliate links.

Image by Chen from Pixabay

ADHD: There’s just one kind now, but not really (The Long and Confusing History of What We Call ADHD)

by Kara S. Anderson 2 Comments

I mentioned in the first post of this series (yes – I’ve decided to write a whole series and maybe even a book about ADHD and homeschooling! I’m back, baby!), that I was initially operating under some kind of outdated info about ADHD.

For one thing, when I first started trying to find a doctor to diagnose ADHD, I kept referring to it as “ADD or ADHD.”

I would then add a high pitched question mark to the end.

“Hi, um, I’m just wondering if you have a list of doctors you recommend who treat ADD or ADHD or … um …” I would trail off, asking folks at the college where my son was taking dual enrollment classes for help, with all the confidence of a featherless, newborn sparrow.

He was doing really well, but he suspected ADHD, and so our thought was it would be good to find out for sure sooner rather than later in case he could benefit from some accommodations*.

Surprise – There’s Just One Kind of ADHD Now – Kind Of!

ADHD History in Brief: Part I

So I was surprised to learn that the term ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder – is dead.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (known as the DSM), first listed what we know now as ADHD in 1968, but details have changed a few times.

If you’re my age, you may remember people throwing around the term “ADD,” to describe children, primarily boys, who had a hard time focusing in school.

As early as 1980, an updated DSM included a listing for ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and ooh controversy – those goofballs decided to drop plain ol’ ADD.

But you know how these things go. We all still threw around “ADD” to mean not only kids who had high energy, but people who forgot things or had had too much Jolt Cola.

“Ugh Becky, she is SO ADD.”

“I know, Becky. Ugh.”

(This is a from a short play I wrote called Beckies. This is a scene where two Beckies use the term ADD to describe how another Becky had the nerve to forget in which locker at the roller rink she had stored her Liz Claiborne purse.)

(It’s better live. Like Hamilton.)

ADHD History in Brief: Part II

Then, in 1994 – the year of the Lillehammer Winter Olympics and the year the World Wide Web was born, those DSM jokesters were like: Wait.

(Fun fact: Actually, 1,000 people worked on the DSM 4 for 6 years!)

Anyhoo, they said – WAIT. OK, we’ve got it.

We shall call it ADHD.

BUT … there are different flavors!

(They called them “sub-types.”)

  • Predominantly Inattentive
  • Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive
  • And Combined

OK. Good work, team.

ADHD History in Brief: Part III

And then, the DSM 5 came out in 2013, and they were like – can you believe those tools who worked on the DSM 4 called kinds of ADHD “types?” Punks!

Let’s call them “presentations!,” said Dr. Carol Carolson, and the crowd went wild.

They just collectively lost their shit.

Everyone on the ADHD team bought Dr. Carol shots that night, and Carol will forever be remembered for her presentation on presentations.

(She used Power Point, mainly Helvetica font.)

So … wait? Huh?

So the take-aways here are:

  1. There is no ADD anymore. It doesn’t exist. It left right around the time that Post-It Notes** became a thing!
  2. There is just ADHD, but there are three ways it PRESENTS – #thanksCarol

The three presentations are:

  • Predominantly Inattentive
  • Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive
  • And Combined

So no – you DO NOT HAVE ADD.

But you very well could have ADHD even if you … I don’t know …

  • Were a good student
  • Are a great employee
  • Are a generally ‘successful’ person
  • Want to go to bed at 4 p.m.

OK, Well … Then How Come No One Has Ever Brought This Up?

First, a lot of ADHD goes undiagnosed for a long time.

Second, I want to talk about girls and women and how ADHD tends to present differently in us.

So for background:

I was diagnosed at 45 years old, and before I found out I had ADHD, I thought maybe I was dealing with Long Covid or early dementia or really scary peri-menopause symptoms or something else, because suddenly, I could no longer remember which key went into which lock at our house.

I was a little terrified.

In fact as I sat across from the doctor to go over my test results, I said, “I’m actually really hoping it’s ADHD because I’m scared of what else it could be,” and she kindly said, “OK, then I’m not going to make you wait – it’s ADHD.”

And I started crying because I had been holding a lot in for months/45 years.

And for now, that’s where I’m going to step away again, because I want to talk about how a person (statistically more frequently a female person) could go undiagnosed with ADHD for decades.

It’s both fascinating and some hot B.S., I’ll tell you that much.

See you soon.

ADHD Series

Post 1: So … We All Have ADHD

Post 3: Hey Laaaaady! ADHD in Girls and Women and Why You Don’t Just Suck at Life

Post 4: ADHD: Meds and Regrets (but not how you think)

 

NOTES:

*Accommodations – the more we talk about ADHD, the more I’ll use this word. Don’t stress about accommodations for now if you suspect your child has ADHD. I’ll explain more soon.

** Post-It Notes: I was recently on a call where we talked about how important it is to buy quality sticky notes, and why Post-Its really are better because they stick the perfect amount.

But, I do want these.

Also, I will tell you soon about my obsession with transparent sticky notes, and how I’ve been using them to maintain a version of a kanban board on my office door because I am being treated for ADHD and I have so many new tools!

I have so much to tell you!!!!

Back soon! 😘

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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