Kara S. Anderson

Homeschool connection, not perfection.

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Living in the what-if

by Kara S. Anderson 7 Comments

I recently listened to an author talk about how all fiction books begin with the idea of what if …

Oh! I thought. I should be writing fiction! Because I am really good at what if.

The problem is my what if is ruled by my anxious brain, and currently, that brain is in overdrive, asking constantly, What the hell do we do now?

Because I don’t know about you, but to me, everything feels shaky and unclear, and now we’ve seen that something that we really only thought Michael Crichton could dream up can happen.

It’s still happening.

Cue the dinosaurs.

Groundless

No one really knows how to deal with it, but for a while, there were stricter rules. I really liked that, actually. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. 

I am a recovering good girl. And I’ll tell you, almost nothing has been as hard as getting over disappointing people, but this is all right up there.

The minute restrictions lifted, I felt like there was no ground anymore.

I stayed inside more. My anxiety became worse. 

Decision fatigue

It was the stress of a million little decisions. Can we go to a restaurant? Should we eat outside? Inside? Should we wear masks? Should I hug my mom when I see her after three months, even though she works as a nurse in an assisted living facility and her residents are at high risk?

According to Emily P. Freeman, it’s estimated that adults make 35,000 decisions a day.

And that’s not factoring in the health of the whole planet.

So one lunch, and my back was so tight on the way home, I could barely breathe.

But what about a plan?

But as the world opens up, I also feel like I’m supposed to move forward – that I need a plan. The summer is slipping away …

Usually, summers are a lovely time here. We go to the pool a lot; read a lot; and get ice cream a lot.

The pool is closed, the library is closed, and Dear God, please someone tell me exactly how to feel about a teenager scooping ice cream for my kids. 

I need a guidebook, or at least a list. 

JOB DESCRIPTION: Covid Mountain Guide

Looking to hire responsible, knowledgeable guide for outside activities during worldwide pandemic. Must be non-smoker. 

Too much

It all feels a little like my yard.

Let me explain.

Recently, a neighbor came over and shouted across the sidewalk to my husband. He was friendly – it’s just social distancing …

He told us that we live in what the neighborhood used to call The Manson House. 

(Googles: “Bulk sage.” Googles: “Priest for hire.” Googles: “How to sell a house during a pandemic.”)

Apparently, a creepy dude lived here for many years. No one knows what happened to him.

And then the “Chicago Folks” moved in. I can only imagine they were two Enneagram 7s, completely unchecked by realism or their wings.

So our yard is a little bananas.

Last summer, I mentioned to another neighbor that I felt like along the fence, the “Chicago Folks” took one of those bulk bags of wildflower seeds and just dumped the whole thing.

“Yes,” he said. “That’s exactly what happened. I saw it.”

Our whole yard is like that. It’s overgrown and intimidating. I have no idea where to start.

I keep wanting to ask someone to come here with the right tools, to do a reset. I guess that would be a landscaper? A gardener?

JOB DESCRIPTION: Mental gardener

Looking to hire responsible, knowledgeable gardener to prune my anxious mind. Must have access to proper tools to reset the hot mess in there. End result must be smooth, manicured brain. Flexible hours.

I guess what I’m saying is that I feel terribly unsure, and terribly responsible at the same time. 

I think I need to be a little more patient. 

And I probably need to dump some heavy expectations.

You too?

 

P.S. I was on my friend Celeste’s podcast this week talking about When It All Feels To Heavy. We chat pandemic stress, Covid-schooling, mental health and my book.

 

 

This post contains affiliate links.

 

Filed Under: Home, Mama Self-Care

Comments

  1. Christie W says

    June 18, 2020 at

    Yes yes yes YES!! I’m right there with you. My anxiety has been in hyperdrive of late. I found safety and security during “stay at home” (recovering perfectionis/people pleaser/ ‘good girl’ myself), but now with TX mostly opened up and cases being on the rise again….
    There’s just so much uncertainty.

  2. Amy says

    June 18, 2020 at

    Your words always make me want to cry in the best possible way. Thank you for sharing your heart with you. And, yes. Me too. ❤

  3. L.O. says

    June 19, 2020 at

    I am so thankful for your honesty and openness Kara. I too feel the same way and I do not do well with unknowns -it is so terribly hard for me. I love knowing I am not alone.

  4. Maria Del Angel says

    June 19, 2020 at

    Yes, I totally agree! I felt like I was the only one who felt this way! Everyone around me seems to be “over it”.. but seriously how can you be? I definitely felt safer when everything was shut down. Our kids feel like we’re the only parents who are not allowing them to do anything outside of our home. I can’t believe it.
    Thank you for writing this, Kara. I don’t feel so alone in my anxieties. Praying for peace and guidance for us all. Big hugs, mamas.

  5. Trina says

    June 20, 2020 at

    You have a beautiful way of making the unseen feel loved, seen and known. Thank you again for opening up and helping me and us know we are not alone. 💗🙏

  6. Erin says

    June 21, 2020 at

    Yes, absolutely. It was clearer a couple of months ago and I was actually calmer. Even though things are really improving here, I feel as if I’ve been in a perpetual state of under or overreacting – it’s like a swing between the two. Today I think I underreacted. I could probably look back on the last couple of weeks and mark different days on the calendar with either an O or U …

  7. Carolyn Donovan says

    August 10, 2020 at

    Oh good gracious I feel all of this to my very core! I’m a pubic school teacher, turned SAHM, turned PTA president, turned homeschooler. We’ve had a “covid pod” with one other family since March. But now can we add others? Can we go to the beach but rent a house not stay in a hotel? Is traveling that far ok? Unnecessary? Selfish? Good for our kids’ mental health? This is so much harder than two months ago.

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Hey there!

I’m Kara – writer, tea drinker, yoga-doer and girl with the overdue books.

 

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karastephensonanderson

kara s anderson
It’s safer on the shore, right? The women stayi It’s safer on the shore, right?

The women staying in the house next to us saw me, camera in hand, safe in the sand …

“You’re the smart one,” a small, tanned mother of a 36-year-old daughter said.

Another chuckled and told us she regularly paddle boards across the bay with a wine glass balanced on the bow, salad on the stern …

The women were different from one another; friends for a long time, you could just tell, spending a month together at the beach, taking turns making simple, beautiful, rustic dinners, like pasta in a giant serving bowl and fresh artichokes.

🌊

“I think I want to try,” I told my friends, after some time waiting, watching … photographing the most gorgeous sunset.

Fear (anxiety) will make us well aware of all the risks, except maybe the risk of missing big, defining moments.
 
🌊 

I got back to shore and shook for 90 minutes. 

It was scary. 

It was so much.

🌊 packing
🌊making my bus
🌊checking my bag
🌊security
🌊flying
🌊going in the ocean
🌊feeling too far from the shore
🌊saying exactly what was in my heart

💙

It’s probably safer on the shore.

It’s probably safer at home. 

My body tells me that all the time, especially during the past two years - it’s pulled to what feels secure.💙

And yet. 

It’s different than with plants. 

We can’t grow if we stay rooted.

We can’t float if we don’t trust that we’ll be held once brave enough to take the first steps away from the shore.

🌊

“You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,”

-Mary Oliver

🌊

I don’t know if I could ever really explain to someone without anxiety how scary the past few days were, while also being some of the best of my life. 💙

I’m immensely grateful.
Sometimes you meet someone - not in person, but ac Sometimes you meet someone - not in person, but across the miles - and there’s just a connection.

I think it was Erin’s enthusiasm for reading Harry Potter with her kids and coming up with creative HP ⚡️ learning activities that made me realize she and I were meant to meet, even if it was only virtually.

Last week Erin, 42, wife and homeschool mom to two and a fellow animal lover was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Word spread quickly in the homeschool community. Erin - @erin_vincent35 - writes at Nourishing My Scholar, @chalkpastelart and Simple Homeschool.

She has been giving in the homeschool community for years - support, encouragement and tips for connecting with your kids through homeschooling.

We’re doing a GoFundMe for Erin. I’ll make it the link in my bio.

We want to help her raise money for treatment and to help her family through this.

If you’re inclined, you can donate, but you can also share her GoFundMe and that helps too.

Every little bit helps. 💜💜

Thank you, friends. 

We love you, Erin! 💜💜
Hi. I finally wrote a thing about transcripts fo Hi. 

I finally wrote a thing about transcripts for when you are unschooly.

This is just based on my experience with one kid, but I’m happy to try to answer any questions.

But two important things: first, our homeschooling here has been messy/successful - succmessful 💙

It’s worked for us. But it isn’t fancy, and so this transcript style isn’t either.

Second, for the love, remember - if you’ve been hanging out for me for any amount of time, the most important thing is our relationship with our kids.

So keep college in its place.

It’s not a contest. What you really want (I bet) is a place your kid will thrive without having to morph into some Bret Easton Ellis character, right?
 
Too far? 😉 

Post: karasanderson.com/transcripts/
Before. And after 🥰🥰 And a lil grid with h Before.

And after 🥰🥰

And a lil grid with headbands from our dear Jen - @thequirkydaisy 💜

(I ended up being able to donate 14 inches. Thank you for the advice about where to donate!)

P.S. Yes, @vanessanwright is also wearing our twin sweater today. 😂💟
OK. That was fun. Everything feels so different t OK. That was fun.

Everything feels so different than it did just 24 hours ago - in the best way. 🎓

I think we needed to do a thing. 🤷‍♀️ I think we needed a stop-point. 

Anyway, it was good, and I’m grateful and man, I love this kid. 💙🧡

P.S. Very glad I bought sparkly hats and a themed teddy bear.

I don’t know much about party planning, but these were wise investments, I think.
Hi. I’m totally fine, except tomorrow is my son Hi.

I’m totally fine, except tomorrow is my son’s graduation party and I’m not even close to fine, like … I find myself just sort of stuck here again, unable to do normal things like eat the salad I just made.

I was talking to my friend Jenn about this launching kids thing, and she said to be OK with both parts - to feel both parts.

The two parts are that yes, I am happy for my son and excited and this is true. This isn’t me trying to be happy. It’s real.

But also, I feel like I’m in a slow motion “emotional plane crash” - Jenn’s words.

She said I need to feel both, and *show* both - let both out - and that’s been the problem, I think.

I’m afraid to show the sad part. The scared part.

I’m afraid of those feelings being downplayed or dismissed by people who don’t get the complexity. 

I’m afraid of those things overshadowing the joy.

But then Jenn, without me saying any of that, saw it and got it and I realized maybe it would help to share all this, because maybe another mom will read this and feel seen and understood and know that she’s not alone in the beautiful, heartbreaking both of it all 🤍
I wanted to introduce you to my new pal, this Morn I wanted to introduce you to my new pal, this Morning Sidekick Journal.

A while back, I was talking to someone about needing a schedule, and she said, I think what you really need is to set your priorities each day 🤯

So I bought this journal I’ve been eyeing for a while that helps you create a consistent morning routine.

Then, the last step of my morning routine is to plan out my day in my bullet journal, and star the 3 most important things.

This little journal has already helped so much. I feel so much more focused and that helps me feel less anxious.

I highly, highly recommend this system, especially if like me, you like/ need accountability + have a hard time creating realistic routines and making them stick. 🌟

I’ll put a link in my bio for you! 

P.S. my erasable Frixion Color Stick pens pair perfectly with this. 🌟
I don’t really have anything to say except my fr I don’t really have anything to say except my friend Kym sent me these amazing Wonder Woman cuffs and I’m not taking them off.

I shall sleep in them.

They are so cool that my teens like them.

Also, some people see us.

Today we went to drop off a gift to one of my son’s college professor because she is special. She *gets* him. 

And fun fact: I was in one of her first classes when she started teaching.

Back then, she admits she tried to be tough, but it didn’t work. Caring was better.

Caring is better.

Let the people who care in and love them like crazy. 💙

Signed, 
My 5-year-old self who is still part of me and having the best day of her life.
Hey-o! It’s my birthday, and I always like to c Hey-o!

It’s my birthday, and I always like to celebrate by having a thing over at my site. 🧁💗🥳

➡️

The secret password is MAYSALE22

OK. Love you. Bye!
Such a sweet birthday 💗🧁 I’ll put a link Such a sweet birthday 💗🧁

I’ll put a link in my bio to the Frixion pens. The cute animal ones are from Target! 

P.S. Site-wide sale starts 5/9 at karasanderson.com

#bulletjournal #bulletjournaling #bulletjournalideas #pens
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