Kara S. Anderson

Homeschool connection, not perfection.

That’s not your thing.

by Kara S. Anderson

This is probably not new information, but you are not your best friend.

You’re not your sister, your husband, your know-it-all cousin or that lady at co-op who told you that kids who don’t read by age 4 are usually dyslexic. 🙄

And so, you don’t have to be their things, either.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about how everyone has their “things” — the things they love, the things they hate, the things that control them and define them.

Let me share a few of mine:

I love books and tea and my big, comfy bed. I love growing tomatoes and playing fetch with my cat and meals I don’t have to cook. I love travel and crushed ice and reading to my kids. I love really old men in blacks socks who buy one pear at the grocery store, salted chocolate, paper letters, small acts of kindness, warm hugs from loved ones and the way my husband’s hand feels in mine after all these years.

I hate cased meats and when the doorbell rings unexpectedly and listening to music that I’m not in the mood for. I hate milk and that poofy thing they do at the eye doctor and confrontation and artificial sweeteners. I HATE the sound of folding paper. And I hate “project toys” that never work the way they said they would and frustrate me and my child.

I don’t trust mayonnaise. I BELIEVE in butter.

These are my things. They make me me.

Other People’s Things

But plenty of times, I have tried adopting other people’s things, because they were passionate or loud about those things, and through their passionate loudness, they seemed to make sense.

I tried giving up paper towels like a friend who is incredibly fiery about the environment. I beat myself up when I would buy a roll, but I also had panic attacks when a pet would explode.

I tried making all our bread products from scratch like another friend, and found us living on Amy’s enchiladas while I waited for dough to rise.

The Other Homeschool Mom

And I have tried being another kind of homeschool mom. I’ve tried doing what the fancy, organized lady on the Internet says. I’ve forced circle times and banned computer time and spent too much money on curriculum that made me, my kids, or both miserable.

I took other people’s things — what they loved or what they hated — and I tried to make them mine. And it didn’t work.

It rarely does. Because they are not me.

Planning This Year …

So this year, as you sit down to plan your school year, I beg of you –factor in your things.

Think about what makes you happy, what scares you, what makes you want to throw your shoes, what makes you feel soft and safe on the inside.

Think about the power you have to make the year ahead good and positive.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Who knows — maybe their thing is being miserable?

But yours doesn’t have to be.

You don’t have to worry about anyone else’s things anymore.

You have your things, and it’s time to start living more of the ones you love.

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10 ways to start easy this homeschool year

by Kara S. Anderson

I’ve been homeschooling for 13+ years, I haven’t graduated one kid, and I switch things up ALL THE TIME.

So let’s face it — I don’t know everything about homeschooling.

On the other hand, 13 years is a fair amount of time, and I’m still at it, and I am really good (if I do say so myself) at starting well.

So here is what I recommend to parents starting out homeschooling this year:

  1. Go to the library and get your fines in order. We currently owe $28 for two books that took a summer vacation under my daughter’s bed. It’s super cute when your kids get their first library card, and they are so excited! But then they want to use them, and you’re trying to keep track of books checked out on three different cards, and it’s like your brain is trying to juggle flaming library card batons. So start with a clean slate.

Planning

2. Plan out extracurriculars for your first “semester.” My rule is that the kids can pick one activity at a time — music lessons, sports, Brownies, whatever. More than that, and we start living on frozen pizzas. Make a rule that works for you.

3. Figure out what your weeks are going to look like. I am a big rhythm fan. I like to know what’s going on so that I can talk and argue less. So I like the idea of having set days to do things — Mondays are library days. Friday is co-op. Or whatever.

4. Know that your plans are going to get screwed up some weeks. Other cool stuff will come up. People will need to visit the dentist. This is just your general plan.

5. Figure out what you want your days to look like. I’ve seen this described a lot of different ways in the homeschool-verse: make a schedule, find your rhythm, create a flow-chart, whatever … but write down a basic idea of how you want things to go and when you are going to do things. Focus on the big stuff (in our house that’s reading together, math and allowing the kids time to pursue interests) and go from there.

6. Schedule some down-time every day. Even when you have big kids and especially if you have introverted or sensitive kids.

Purchasing

7. Buy some new stuff. Because it’s the start of school and it’s fun. And you want to begin again. And you’re all full of beans.

8. Don’t buy too much new stuff. Don’t buy stuff for the whole year. Instead, take some money (I’m serious) and put it in two envelopes: label one November Slump, and pull it out the day after Halloween when you have a sugar hang-over and are questioning your sanity.

Label the second one February Hell, and pull it out around Valentine’s Day when the weather feels like it’s trying to kill you and your kids are climbing the walls and you just want to hide and eat those Dove chocolates without bothering to read the inspirational messages inside.

Set Yourself up for Success

9. Plan something fun. As more and more school buses start clogging up your neighborhood, hit the drive-through for donuts or have a backyard waterpark day.

Take a picture and put it somewhere you’ll see it all the time, and when your child is whining during math, or breaks a pencil out of frustration because writing one sentence is JUST SO HARD, look at that picture, and pack everyone up and go for ice cream and start over.

10. Make a plan to take care of you. Right now. Think about what makes you feel good. Do you love good books? Do you love at-home spa treatments? Do you love fancy coffee?

Write down 9 or 10 things that make you feel good and commit to doing at least one every month. Do not feel one bit guilty.

This is how you’re going to fill your bucket, so you can fill everyone else’s. It’s important. It’s vital. Please — do it for your kids, your husband and because you deserve it.

That’s it!

Happy homeschooling!

Kara

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Favorite tools for managing my anxiety

by Kara S. Anderson

On Thursday, I woke up with dread.

But I didn’t feel anxious. I felt down. I didn’t really want to get out of bed.

So I did all my first-step things for when I have a rocky morning.

I got up and made tea. I started my diffuser with some oils for encouragement – peppermint and orange.

I lit a beeswax candle. I turned on my decorative lights.

I did a morning meditation to reset.

And it all helped.

Until it didn’t.

Unfortunately my anxiety started creeping up on me.

The thing with true anxiety is that it doesn’t need a reason. It can pop up out of nowhere, because it’s not situational. And it’s kind of a jerk.

Thriving with anxiety

A long time ago, I decided that I am not going to be ashamed of my anxiety.

And I’m also not going to let it hold me back.

But, I want to clarify that. I don’t want it to hold me back big picture. The very nature of anxiety means that there will be times when I need to put my mental health first.

But overall, I don’t want it to keep me from living an awesome, fulfilling life, and showing up for my people most of the time.

The skinny on anxiety medication

So today, I want to share some of the things that help me manage my anxiety.

Full disclosure: One of those things right now is medication.

In fact, I want to dive deeper about that because I get a lot of questions about medication.

First, I resisted medication for a very long time.

Looking back, I can remember having anxiety symptoms and panic as young as age 6. But I was 36 before I started taking medication. And it changed my life.

But then that medication stopped working. And other medications weren’t working at all. And my general practitioner ran out of ideas.

So I went to a psychiatrist’s office and it was scary and odd and so disconcerting that I felt lost and abandoned. My general practitioner was saying I needed a specialist, but the specialist was downright creepy. What now?

So eventually I went back to my general practitioner, and she referred me to a different office. It took months to get in. But when I did, I met with a new doctor who has not only helped me with my medication – I am able to check in with her every 6 to 8 weeks to make sure the medication is working.

So my advice (and please know that nothing in this post is meant to replace medical advice – I am simply sharing my own experience) is to keep fighting to get the help you deserve. It might not be easy, but it’s very worth it and so are you.

You need tools

One of my favorite tools for managing my anxiety is therapy.

For years I had an incredible therapist.

Of course, she retired. And she’s entitled to retiring. I just don’t see why she couldn’t keep going for another 74 years. (Kidding.)

Finding a therapist can be really hard. And finding one covered by your insurance can be extra tricky.

So my only advice on this is to keep looking, and keep interviewing. Don’t settle. There are tons of therapists out there.

I’m lucky to have finally found a new one I love, and one of the things she talks about a lot is tools.

Tools are basically things we can use to help our anxiety. It doesn’t mean you don’t have anxiety or that you don’t have bad days. But when the bad days strike – we aren’t just standing there waiting for it to end. We have some comfort measures.

It’s like when you have a cold. Orange juice and chicken soup may not CURE the cold, but they sure can help you feel a little better.

What helps me

Several things help me every day – other things help when my anxiety ramps up.

Let’s talk about the everyday stuff first:

Mediation

In his book 10 Percent Happier, Dan Harris shares perfectly how meditation helps him. He says it makes him about 10 percent happier. It also calms his mind, and helps him deal with the stress of a very public career.

I love this book because it’s written for skeptics.

This is the book to read if mediation makes you think of incense, crystals and chanting, and that makes you want to run and hide. 😉

My favorite meditation resources are Headspace, Calm, and Insight Timer.

Prayer

I’m not going to go too deep into this one, but if you have a spiritual tradition, you probably know the comfort it can bring.

If you don’t, no judgement. Spirituality and religion are complex for many of us.

Journaling/Writing

Keeping a journal can be helpful for so many reasons. It can be a place to put the swirling thoughts and for a lot of us, we can’t articulate exactly what we’re feeling until we write it out.

I also love brain dumps! (But I hate the term). Basically brain dumps are writing out the swirling feelings, and just getting them on paper and out of your brain. I find them so helpful for letting go.

I keep a bullet journal and it helps a lot.

I think it also helps a lot of us with anxiety to know that things like appointments, etc. are written down or at least saved somewhere.

Movement

Last year, I tried CrossFit. I wanted to love it, but it just didn’t work for me.

I was extra sad because a few pals have told me how it helps their anxiety and depression.

But I wasn’t getting those results.

You know what works for me?

Two things: gentle movement, like yoga or walking, and lifting weights. I KNOW. The weights thing is weird. But it literally gives me all the endorphins!

So maybe experiment with this a bit.

Diet

All I want in life is to be able to eat like a Gilmore Girl.

But I can’t.

I have to be careful. Not too careful, because cutting out food groups and having to maintain a super strict diet creates more stress for me.

But in general, I have to be a little careful about how I eat.

I can’t do too much caffeine or sugar or I get terrible blood sugar crashes that mix with anxiety to create a really nasty situation.

I also always have healthy snacks with me. You know. Like I’m a toddler. 😉

Essential oils

I love essential oils for support.

I love learning about them, and using them in my home.

Oils like lavender, basil, rosemary, and frankincense are very grounding to me, while oils like peppermint, orange and lemon help brighten my mood.

But, oils are just support to me, and I think it’s really important to know that many of us can not just use oils in order to manage our anxiety and depression. I like to say that no one has ever told my diabetic husband to just put oils on his pancreas.

Supplements

I find magnesium really helps my anxiety on a daily basis – especially these.

Keeping up my Vitamin D and Vitamin B levels is also helpful for me. But be sure to check with your doctor about any supplements.

More Magnesium

I tend to keep a lot of my stress in my muscles. So epsom salt baths help a lot. I love these two kinds: Lavender and Rosemary-Mint.

I love all the magnesium.

ALL the MAGNESIUM! 🙂

I also have a neck wrap similar to this one that I love.

Charting

I think it can be really helpful to keep a note of when anxiety is high in a notebook or calendar. About a month ago, I had a stretch of very bad days and it scared me.

My first thoughts were, is my medication not working? Is this my new normal?

But it passed.

Being able to see that things can get really bad but then good again is incredibly helpful to me.

Support for the bad days

Finally, I’d like to talk about the really bad days.

On those days, I need more support and more tools. Here’s what helps:

Breathing

There are lots of breathing techniques that can help when anxiety starts creeping in.

A simple technique is box breathing:

Image credit: Neurohacker Collective

Weighted blanket

This has been a game-changer for me. It helps with my anxiety and my sleep.

When I feel especially panicked, the weight helps me tremendously.

Also, after YEARS of insomnia, I now sleep through the night.

I have this one.

Telling someone

Sometimes it helps to just tell someone I trust.

It helps to say, “I’m having a bad anxiety day.”

I think it helps me lower my expectations for myself to voice it.

Like, “Yup. This is happening. It’s OK, but I need to give this some time.”

Getting help organizing my thoughts

When my anxiety is at its worst, I feel very scattered. Even simple things seem overwhelming, and I can’t organize my day at all.

Sometimes I will call my husband and he’ll help walk me through things.

Making a list also helps a lot.

Sometimes I’ll even tell friends via Voxer.

Having an outside perspective can be so helpful. Friends and family can help you see what’s actually important, and what can wait. They can also offer support to take it easy on yourself on the hard days.

Blocking out noise

Sometimes lots of stimulation makes my anxiety worse.

I’ve been know to go lie down with an eye mask for a few minutes to reset.

It also helps me sometimes to block out noise.

I have these noise-cancelling earbuds and they help so much.

Ginger

Sometimes my anxiety causes my stomach to get upset.

I try to keep a ginger kombucha in the fridge. I also like these.

Eating what I can

So I said above that I try to be careful about what I eat. Unfortunately, when my anxiety is really bad, I sometimes don’t feel like eating.

So I eat what I can. Sometimes that’s crackers.

I know crackers are not a meal, but again, I try to think big picture. One lunch of crackers or toast is not a big deal.

Lowering expectations

I’ve mentioned this above, but when anxiety is really high, we need to lower expectations a lot.

Lower.

Lower.

Maybe a full stop?

Help getting to sleep

If my thoughts are spinning and I can’t calm my mind, these are helpful in getting to sleep. (But again, check with your doctor.)

My emergency list on my phone

You want to make one of these when you are feeling good.

Because the whole reason I made an emergency list on my phone is because when anxiety is high, I can’t think and I can’t Google, for crying out loud.

My emergency list is also known as my Self-Care Can Dos. It’s just a running list of things that might help.

Some are simple:

Drink a glass of water and put your feet up (advice from my midwife while I was pregnant, and experiencing tons of Braxton Hicks contractions, but it helps in all kinds of situations)

I also have direct links to meditations, a gentle yoga class, encouraging talks – I’m looking at you, Brene Brown.

Telling myself that it will pass

I think this is huge.

Sometimes, it feels like anxiety will never get better.

I have had months of anxiety every day. I felt like a mess, a failure … I felt like nothing was helping and I had exhausted my options and I was going to feel awful forever.

I guess the good news is that I’ve had anxiety long enough to know that it comes and goes.

There are also people who can help. It’s just sometimes it takes a lot of work to find those people, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs, and it’s incredibly hard to keep fighting when you feel terrible.

So please, if your anxiety or depression becomes unmanageable, get help right away. Call your doctor, go to the nearest emergency room, or you can call the National Alliance on Mental Health 24/7: 1-800-950-NAMI.

You are important. You are loved. You are worth it. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

It absolutely CAN get better.

Again, please know that nothing in this post is meant to replace medical advice – I am simply sharing my own experience.
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The cactus method of homeschool planning

by Kara S. Anderson

I find that when you call something a “method” it sometimes accidentally gives it street cred.

So last week, when I started talking about The Cactus Method ™️ of homeschool planning on Instagram, mamas started asking me what book it was from and where I had gotten the idea.

So I’m going to tell you that it’s from me, and I just made it up one day.

There. The truth is finally out.

Hold on loosely …

Anyway, the “cactus method” of homeschool planning is simply an idea I have that when you plan your week or day, you need to hold on to those plans loosely, like how you would hold a cactus.

(Originally I said a porcupine or cactus, but it quickly occurred to me how little control you would have if you were holding a porcupine.)

The porcupine is really more in control in that specific scenario, and so it doesn’t work for the metaphor.

But a cactus – that’s all about you, baby. You can hold a cactus however you want, but I suggest you hold it gently.

Certainly don’t squeeze – my goodness.

So with that in mind, I go into my homeschool days with a plan, but not a schedule. And I guess I kind of figure after 12 years that things are going to come up, and plans might change, and there will be days when things just don’t really work at all, i.e. the kitten gets insane diarrhea on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

(This is how God/the Universe likes to keep me in my place – by reminding me that YES! I am in charge! But also, not really!)

How to use The Cactus Method

So every morning, I look at my planner.

And then I figure out what we can realistically do today, and then still think we can do more than we can.

But, I write a general plan on our desktop chalkboard.

This is saving a lot of sanity around here, because:

  • it forces me to plan the day, at least loosely
  • I don’t have to keep our plans in my head
  • everyone can see what we need to do
  • everyone isn’t asking me what we are doing every 8 minutes

Planning for your personality

Now, if all I had to do was follow the plan, I think that would probably be easy.

Easier.

But I am squishy and sensitive.

I’m an INFJ – and INFJs take everyone’s feelings into account ALL THE TIME.

I’m also an Enneagram 9.

Our tagline should basically be, “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?”

This used to mean that sometimes my kids would wake cranky, or out of sorts and I would start making up special breakfast plates and filibustering in order to get our day going.

But now I have a tween and a teen, and when teens and tweens get “out of sorts” that can be surly AFF (as fancy Frenchmen.)

So yikes.

My whole strategy for getting people to the table this year has been “delicious breakfast food.”

 

Because just like how they say the biggest thing with exercise is just putting on your gear, or the biggest thing with yoga is rolling out your mat, the biggest thing with surly wildebeest tweens and teens is just getting them to the table and putting some protein in their face-holes.

(Also maybe avoid eye contact.)

 

via GIPHY

 

You can see how all of this is a recipe for The Cactus Method©, right?

Also, Margin

I’m also going to share one other tip, and that’s to CREATE MARGIN. Because kids have interests and passions, and if we make time for those things, everyone is happier.

So another key component of the cactus schooling method (#copyright #trademark) is asking your kids, “What do you want to do today?”

In order to be able to fulfill those requests/dreams, however, you can’t have your day packed full of things YOU want to do.

I’ve long believed this to be true, but recently I was talking to a friend who has graduated two kids, and those kids are now pursuing their passions via college and thriving, so even though I made up the cactus method (#allrightsreserved), I think there is something to it.

Planning loosely

Finally, you may be asking yourself how to keep track of things if you are “planning” so loosely.

Remember – this is a general idea, and you are not tied to these things.

This is not a blood oath situation.

Stop chanting.

  • Then, leave room for margin. Leave room for emergency kitten vet visits and leaky toilets and surly AFF kids and hobbies and interests.

What’s important

Then, repeat after me: We don’t have control over what our kids learn or retain.

We do have control over the tone of our days, and how we treat our people, and those things are more important anyway.

So hold that plan like a cactus. Put it down entirely if you need to. (Some days you WILL need to.)

Thank you for coming to my Cactus Method TEDtalk.

#thecactusmethod #cactusschooling #stopchanting

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